Protect yourself and your husband from the subtle ways of infidelity.
This article was written by my sister, Mileah Hodge. She has walked through fires and come out shining like gold, with humbleness and wisdom to build a strong marriage.
Yellow light means CAUTION
Caution lights usually mean SLOW down and assess the situation as you approach. God has given us built-in caution sensors. We know when something is wrong. We can be blowing through life at 70 miles per hour but when we sense the caution light, we slow down. It is our God-given nature and duty to protect our home.
A wise woman watches over the ways of her household.
Proverbs 31:27
Read & Respond to the Warning Signs
Be aware. We don’t approach an intersection without caution. Don’t drive blindly in your marriage either.
I know when something is bothering my husband. He may not want to talk about what it is, and it’s not always necessary that we do, but I am always aware. Sometimes my job is simply to be the wife that I am supposed to be, and support him in prayer and leave him & God to deal with whatever is going on. Sometimes God uses me, most often in ways I’m not expecting.
Guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says it best, “Keep your {own} heart with all diligence for out of it spring the issues of life.” That’s pretty heavy. Our pastor has a few little sayings that go along with that….”What you see, you will eventually be. What you ponder, you will soon honor.”
You get the idea. What we allow ourselves to focus on, plants itself in our hearts. And after a while, we pursue what we have in our hearts. Guard your heart diligently!
Don’t allow the actions or reactions of the world to influence your behavior. The world will tell you it’s okay to have a crush on someone who is ‘unattainable.’ FALSE! That sets a dangerous precedent in your heart.
It’s not okay for your husband to stare gaga at the beer commercial with the scantily clad women in them. WARNING! Watch over your household; that means all parts of it, including the media that comes in, the books you read, and whom you friend on Facebook.
Guarding Your Territory
There are also warning signs of a different nature; those of a poacher trying to hunt the big buck on the reserve. Someone is encroaching on your territory. That’s your buck, and some hussy has him in her sights.
Like a momma bear guarding her cubs, I go into warrior mode when I sense another female vying for my husband’s attention. Sometimes the warning signs are simply a lingering glance in his direction, a small flirtation, and to my husband’s credit, he’s completely oblivious! Other times, the warning signs are more dangerous.
When to apply caution for yourself AND your spouse:
- mild flirting
- too much attention to, or given by your husband, to/from someone of the opposite sex
- too much attention to, or given by you, to/from someone of the opposite sex.
- development of friendships w/ single members of the opposite sex
- unresolved conflict between you and your spouse. {This can cause you to seek comfort from an understanding friend, of the opposite sex.}
Smart Limits
In case you’re not seeing the repetition here – I’ll spell it out for you. You cannot maintain close friendships with members of the opposite sex after you are married. You’d think that would be an obvious observation but often it’s not, until it’s too late.
What starts as a seemingly innocent friendship may not end that way. The only man I should seek friendship from is my husband! No one else should ever be allowed to be that intimate or close with me.
You can develop a dangerous attachment to anyone who offers a sympathetic shoulder. Unresolved conflict in your marriage is one of the easiest ways for both husband and wife to justify spending time with someone else. And trust me, you will not like the outcome. Ladies – as fervently as we guard our children from danger, we should even more fiercely guard our hearts and our marriage from predators.
Sacred and Transparent
Hold your marriage as sacred! Because it is. It is a holy covenant before God and should be respected.
The foundation for a strong marriage is transparency. Don’t ever let there be any secrets between the two of you. That is where the breakdown begins. I have an open door, open phone, open email, open Facebook policy with my husband. There is NOTHING that is secret or hidden from him. Why? I want and need the accountability that brings. If I am transparent before my husband, than I will never have to worry about being unfaithful to him! That is a fact.
RED Light Cautions
- A pattern of deceit. This is the foundation for betrayal. It starts with small untruths. Before long, you find it easier and easier to hide bigger things. You take bigger risks. Before you know it you are justifying your actions and you are on a slippery slope downward. It is a matter of time before you fall.
- Too much computer time/phone time. If you or your spouse are spending too much time using the internet or phone for your social interaction then the risk skyrockets. It’s so easy to develop those seemingly “harmless” friendships online. And you are intentionally shutting your spouse out of your life. {Yes ladies, friendships on Facebook with your ex-boyfriend…don’t go there.}
- Leading separate lives. This seems like such an obvious warning sign. But oddly enough it’s one of the ones that will often go unnoticed the longest. When we develop the attitude that we are two independent people with different interests who should be able to continue to do the things we each enjoy, we are setting a dangerous precedent for infidelity. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” Matthew 19:5
- Seeking validation/attention elsewhere. If your life is a constant attempt to get people to notice, admire, and talk about you, watch out. If you put more effort into your profile picture than into your marriage, watch out. If you’re engaging in “harmless” flirting, chatting, and mutual admiring, you’re in trouble. There’s nothing harmless about flirting with other men. Every attempt to get attention that way takes you a step further from your spouse.
Watch Out for the Mud Pit
The truth of marriage is that it is not perfect. I don’t like to watch sports, but should I sacrifice what I want to spend time with my husband? YES! Dying to self is one of the first rules of a great marriage.
A second truth is that we cannot use our spouse’s failings to justify our own selfishness. Ouch! Yeah that hurts to hear; trust me it hurts to say it. I have a big fat finger pointing at myself. When my husband fails to respond to me in love, I don’t get to hurt him back. Don’t try to level the playing field; you will just end up in a mud pit.
Be a Wise Woman
A wise woman watches over the ways of her household, remember? It’s difficult, and it requires much from you. It’s far easier to quit taking things so seriously, flirt a little bit, watch whatever comes on, and just go with the flow of our culture. But you know what the wise woman gets in the end? She gets the love, admiration, and commitment from her husband, and is praised by her children.
That’s a reward worth seeking.
5-Minute Marriage Check
(Annie here.)
Yesterday I went through my husband’s Facebook friend list and deleted a few, mainly gals who had profile photos with more cleavage than face.
Right now we don’t have high-speed Internet access in our home, but if we do, we will also have some program or firewall that will block “adult-rated” sites.
When we’re watching a movie, at home or in a theatre, and there’s any sort of female nudity, my hand is over his eyes.
When we’re out in public and I catch some hussy eyeballing him, I slide a little closer, give him a big kiss and a smile, and move us in the opposite direction.
He laughs at me sometimes, and I just smile and say, “Hey, no problem. That’s my job. You can thank me later.”
I take down the hussies. I guard against porn entering our home. Why? Because I don’t trust my husband? No. Because it’s just good common sense. There’s no point in opening the door to temptation just to see how strong you are. That’s foolishness.
5-Minute Action Point
As you seek to guard your own heart diligently, think about practical things you can do to make your home a place where marriage is valued and guarded, and temptation is booted out the door.
Think about the things you watch, read, and do online.
Think about the people you hang out with at work.
Think about your conversations.
Think about the friends who come over.
Think about the clothes you wear: are you creating temptation for another woman’s husband?
The best defense against infidelity is a close, intimate, transparent relationship with your husband. But it sure doesn’t hurt to put a few signs up, just to make it clear to people who don’t get it: We’re not interested. We’re in love.
Image courtesy of
iwanp.
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This post is {day 26} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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