A stifled personality does not a happy marriage make.
Walking the Tight Rope
When you start writing about marriage from a Biblically based perspective, you can’t avoid using words like “reverence” and even “submission.” Horrors. And though you try to give advice that stays true to Biblical principles while still making sense in our culture, it’s difficult. There will be some who say you’re too conservative, a fanatic, a freak, out of touch. Others will say you’re shallow, affected by the culture, misinterpreting what the Bible says.
Everybody’s Right, Everybody’s Wrong
There is danger in any sort of marriage advice, even when it is based on something good. The danger is that we often take principles and turn them into methods. Then we cling to our methods, even when they cease to be helpful.
We Need Specifics
When I give a principle – like “show reverence to your husband” – I usually follow it up with some specific tips or examples. That’s because principles are usually given in abstract terms, and our natural reaction is something like “Huh?” Specific examples help us to envision the principle, grasp the meaning of the abstracts, and translate them into our daily life.
An Example of an Example
So I might give an example like, “A reverent wife doesn’t continually question her husband’s decisions.” And you might think, “Okay, I get it now. No more questions.” Now you think you can never ask a question again.
You get frustrated because you have some perfectly valid questions. You get confused, and eventually you revert back to how things used to be because, “I don’t get this reverence thing. It just doesn’t make sense.”
Different Folks…
That’s why principles are generally given in abstract terms, so we can apply them to different people, in different cultures, with different personalities. This is key: your version of reverence toward your husband might look different than mine.
I’m not saying that reverence itself is conditional. The attitude of reverence is what matters; the methods by which you display that reverence, with your unique style and personality, are much more flexible.
Sometimes Reverence Roars
For me, showing reverence to my husband means respecting and trusting him enough to be honest, to let him know when I’m angry or upset or hurt or just need a good cry. That’s because I am a naturally private person, and I tend to hide my feelings rather than become vulnerable.
You might relate to that, or you might be a totally different personality. Maybe for you, reverence means saying a lot less, or just finding a different way to say it.
And the Point Is…
The point is to grab on to the principle, whether it regards reverence or honesty or romance or acceptance. Then you can try my methods or come up with your own. Maybe the specific things that work for me will work for you, but sometimes you’ll need to get creative and think it out. Hold on to the principle, and let your methods change as needed.
5-Minute Marriage Check
If you’ve been trying and trying to improve in a particular area of your marriage but hitting nothing but frustration, do a principle check. Are you holding on to the principle or are you stuck in a method-induced rut?
5-Minute Action Point
God promises to give wisdom to all those who ask. He will give you wisdom “liberally, and without reproach” (James 1:5).
For the areas that frustrate you, come to God and ask for wisdom. Ask for creative methods, new ways, specific ideas that fit you and your husband. Try something new. God is the Master Designer of your romance, and He knows the best way to apply His principles.
Image courtesy of
alicepopkorn.
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This post is {day 23} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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