SISTER WISDOM

A foolish woman is clamorous. She is simple and knows nothing.

(Proverbs 9:13)

O Ye Clamoring Women

Clamorous: “to make a loud sound like Engl. hum); by implication, to be in great commotion or tumult, to rage, war, moan, clamor” from Scripture Text.

What does clamorous look like? In a clamorous wife, this is what you’ll see:

• A woman who continually questions direct authority (her husband), often by appealing to a different (or what she considers “higher”) authority)
• A woman who refuses to let her husband make decisions (big or small) with giving her input
• A woman who gets offended if her husband dares to make a decision without getting her input first
• A woman who is not content to be quiet and just see what happens
• A woman who is not willing to let a mistake go unmentioned
• A woman who nags
• A woman who nitpicks about details
• A woman who makes everything a big deal

Let’s Zoom In

Here’s a more specific version of what a clamorous wife might look like:

• She says, “I don’t care,” when he asks her which restaurant she prefers, but she gets offended when he picks barbecue instead of Italian. He should so know better.
• She snaps at him on the phone at least once a day.
• She corrects him when he corrects the children and rolls her eyes when he serves them cold pizza and chips for dinner.
• She tells him how to drive.
• She is pretty darn good at the silent treatment.
• She asks the women in her Bible Study to pray that her husband will begin having “regular time with the Lord.”
• She thinks his jokes are stupid, and he can tell.
• She has pretty strict “rules” about when, where, and how sex is acceptable. She has never voiced them, but she doesn’t need to. He knows. He sighs and accepts it.
• When her husband is busy, worried, distracted, or late getting home, she believes he is acting that way purposely just to hurt her feelings.
• A wrong turn is a big deal. Being ten minutes late is a big deal. A one-day-late birthday gift is a big deal. Having to remind him of their anniversary is a big deal. Overcooked steak is a big deal. Having to work an hour late is a big deal. Everything she doesn’t like a little bit is a big deal.

Gulp.

You, too?

Hmm.

Hold the Verbal Vomit

The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It’s just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.

So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he’s offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?

Isn’t it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn’t it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?

In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit – spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind – is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It’s not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.

If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.

Instead, Make Cookies!

They’re not perfect, these men we married. Sometimes they are louder (much louder) and ruder (much ruder) than we are. But responding in kind doesn’t help anybody. Instead, let’s go make some cookies. Or rent a movie and cuddle up. Something, anything nice for our men who put up with us when we decide to be clamorous women.

When they call at lunchtime, let’s answer the phone with a great attitude and tell them how happy we are to be their wives.

When they get home a little late from work, let’s greet them with a long kiss, a cold drink, and the smell of a great dinner simmering in the kitchen.

When they put the kids to bed “the wrong way,” let’s shut up and see how the kids enjoy something different.

5-Minute Marriage Check

What’s your default tone of voice with your husband? Is it pleasant or whiny?

What do you talk about most? Are you positive, optimistic, hopeful? Or negative, doubting, and full of complaints?

How often do you interrupt your husband in a conversation? Do you assume you know what he’s going to say?

When you ask for something, are you direct or manipulative? Do you hint around, forcing him to “read your mind” or do you just nicely ask for what you want and let him choose how he answers?

What will you improve in your words today?

5-Minute Action Point

Your assignment is simple: just speak a little less today. Listen a little more. When you do speak, think first.

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This post is {day 20} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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