Rise above it… you got to rise above it.
Let’s Face It
We look inside, we work on ourselves, we try harder, we do better. But marriage still isn’t perfect, and sometimes it’s just not our fault.
Oh, there are two sides to every story, sure. And sometimes his side is the one that isn’t so good. So far we’ve focused on not focusing on his faults; it’s usually counterproductive. But sometimes, well, he’s acting like a fool, and the best thing to do is realize that so we can respond appropriately.
When Foolish Happens
Our responsibility to love, accept, and reverence our husbands is not diminished, even when he chooses to be foolish. But we have some wisdom to draw from in those times when…
- He nitpicks and nags
- He loses his temper and yells
- He flirts with another woman
- He ignores you
- He fails to provide for the family
- He makes a foolish decision (or many)
- He lies to you
- He mishandles his responsibilities
- He fails to love you sacrificially
- He does something stupid
A Wise Woman’s Guide to Foolishness
Principle 1: Show reverence and keep submitting.
“…a wife must be submissive even to the husbands that are ‘disobedient to the word.’ What does this phrase mean? It simply speaks about a man who has not come under the control of God’s Word. He is like the wild horse that easily can hurt those nearby. This is the man hardened to God and foolish. But what seems insensitivity here actually enables her by faith to walk on holy ground. The real test for submissiveness is not when the husband is doing a great job but when he fails at his responsibilities. But the godly woman has a vision of life that is much greater than her own feelings.”
(Paul J. Bucknell, Biblical Foundations for Freedom)
[Note: this does not mean you should sin if your husband asks you to; please follow the links to Biblical Foundations for Freedom for a thorough discussion of what submission.]
Principle 2: Don’t respond with foolishness.
Do not answer a fool according to his folly, Or you will also be like him.
(Proverbs 26:4, NASB)
If he’s ignoring you, you want to ignore him. Or he’s calling you names, you have several you could throw out there. Don’t. The moment you jump in with your own version of foolishness, you’ve justified his.
Principle 3: Don’t correct or even get into a conversation about it.
Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, For he will despise the wisdom of your words.
(Proverbs 23:9, NASB)
“…his wrong is much more clearly revealed to him when she is quiet. On as personal level, when my wife responds in a quiet and gentle way to something I have messed up, I can see my sin mirrored right back at myself. But if she speaks or makes an inappropriate comment or gesture, then the perfectly horrible image of myself is distorted and I can’t see my sin so easily. It makes it easier for me to blame her for my problems than myself.”
(Paul J. Bucknell, Biblical Foundations for Freedom)
Principle 4: Avoid arguing.
When a wise man has a controversy with a foolish man, The foolish man either rages or laughs, and there is no rest.
(Proverbs 29:9, NASB)
“It might further help to understand that when the husband is wrong, he usually already knows that. He is just looking for excuses. If a wife contends with her husband, then he normally becomes defensive.“
(Paul J. Bucknell, Biblical Foundations for Freedom)
Principle 5: Remove yourself from the situation.
A wise man fears, and departs from evil: but the fool rages, and is confident.
(Proverbs 14:16, AKJ)
Foolishness ends up creating anger and hurt feelings, so if you can quietly remove yourself from the situation, do so. Even if you can’t physically leave, remove your attention. Find something else to be interested in.
Principle 6: Don’t be the rescue team.
A fool’s proud talk becomes a rod that beats him, but the words of the wise keep them safe.
(Proverbs 14:3, NLT)
A man’s foolishness will often get him in some sort of unpleasant, awkward, even dangerous situation. It is not your job to rescue him when this happens, even if you see it coming. The consequences that come from acting the fool are built in by God; it’s the way a foolish man learns that foolishness really isn’t that fun.
Principle 7: Expect that the same foolishness might happen again.
As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.
(Proverbs 26:11, NLT)
Foolishness is the surface level of something deeper; it’s an area of sin or immaturity, and even as God deals with that area, it will bubble up. Don’t be surprised to see repeated behavior, even after you think he’s had enough time to learn.
Be steadfast, take your complaints to God, and be calm and quiet in your spirit. Don’t be surprised by the repetition, but know that under the surface, God is working.
Principle 8: Know that God will deal with his foolishness.
The great God that formed all things both rewardeth the fool, and rewardeth transgressors.
(Proverbs 26:10, KJV)
God sees every foolish moment, and is aware of its effect on you. He wants the best for both you and your husband. Allow Him to deal with the foolishness, and He will.
5-Minute Marriage Check
Get your game face on.
The strategy is the 8 principles above; probably one or two in particular will be your power plays.
The opponent is not your husband but the foolishness that is in him.
Game time? Could be anytime. Be ready by knowing your strategy and listening to your Coach.
5-Minute Action Point
The last point in dealing with foolishness is this:
Forgive him.
It’s okay to admit to yourself and to God that he isn’t acting the way he should. And it’s okay that you get hurt, offended, even angry. But it’s not okay to let those hurts, however justified, become a root of bitterness in your heart.
Unforgiveness is a prison you build around yourself. It doesn’t protect you; it just keeps you locked up in mistakes of the past.
Cry out to God for the grace to forgive and you will find it. And remember: forgiveness isn’t something you feel, it’s something you do.
Image courtesy of notsogoodphotography.
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This post is {day 17} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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Very timely. It’s amazing the advice that can be heard even in what we may think are the most severe Christian circles when things get really difficult this way. This was beautiful, and I’m sure I will use it as a reference many times in the future, for myself and others!