SISTER WISDOM

How long have you lived without the freedom to let go?

Don’t Miss the Moment

There’s a moment that we women often miss. It’s the moment right after the conversation, the conversation about the leak in the roof, the leak in the pipe, the budget miscalculation, the unexpected babysitting offer, the broken door knob, the sick dog. There are three things we need to do in that moment, and almost always miss them.

First, ask this question: “Is there anything you want me to do to help with this situation?”

Second, ask this question: “Do you want me to remind you about this (tomorrow/next week) or ask about it later?”

Third, let go.

Come What May

If he’s given you something to do to help, then go write it in your planner for as soon as you can possibly do it.

If he’s asked you to remind him or ask about it later, write that in your calendar too. Then let go.

It’s not yours anymore. Come what may, my friend, this is the moment. This is your big chance to prove you can let go and you can trust him. Come what may.

Maybe the roof will cave in. Maybe the dog will die. Maybe you’ll miss a date night or maybe you’ll overdraw your account. Whatever the possible consequence may be, none of them are worse than the consequences you will face if you choose to constantly step back into the mess that isn’t yours anymore.

O Vicious Cycle

As soon as you build a habit of nagging and whining, worrying and controlling, you are tied to it. Now he depends on your nagging to remind him to do whatever-it-was, so his mental game is gone. (He also resents your nagging, by the way, even if he manages to ignore it.)

Now you know he depends on your nagging, so even though it’s not your job to fix the problem, you’ve got to worry and nag until it gets fixed. You get no break, and you resent it.

Here’s What You Do

Tell him what the problem is. Ask him the two questions. Do what you need to do, and ignore the rest come hell or high water. Two things will happen. You’ll get a mental break. And he’ll figure out (quickly) that you’re not going to nag, so he better remember all on his own. He can, and he will if you’ll give him enough space.

There’s a moment that we women often miss. It’s the moment right after we mention the problem, ask for help, for advice, update him on the schedule, fill him in on the latest family crisis. That moment is your chance to trust.

5-Minute Marriage Check

To trust your husband is to build on some of the things we’ve already talked about. Here’s a refresher:

1. Your expectations might not help the situation. Once you put the situation in his hands, you need to let him deal with it his way, in his time, using his methods. These are almost guaranteed to be different than what you prefer and/or expect.
2. Always assume your husband has the best possible motives. Most likely, he does.
3. Accept what he does about the stuff he’s in charge of. Don’t lean over his shoulder to criticize.
4. God’s the ultimate Leader, so even if your husband goofs on something, you still have the protection and provision of God Almighty.
5. Control: just say NO.
6. Show reverence by showing trust.
7. Men aren’t stupid. Don’t believe it. Don’t treat him like a stereotype.
8. Don’t pick a fight.
9. Encourage, support, help.
10. LET GO.

Become a woman who trusts.

5-Minute Action Point

If you’re really struggling with this, here’s a way to bring it home and hold yourself accountable.

Find a jar. It should have a lid.

Find some paper and a writing implement: pen, pencil, Sharpie, half a crayon from under the kitchen table.

Write down the stuff you’re having trouble letting go of. The stuff you are no longer in charge of. The stuff your husband is taking care of, but you just so badly want to help him that it’s worrying you to death. Write each one down on a scrap of paper.

Put each scrap of paper in the jar.

Put the lid on the jar. Tightly.

Put the jar where you will see it.

You are not allowed to worry about, mention, ask questions about, or get involved in the stuff in the jar without the direct request of your husband.

Repeat after me: It’s in the jar. It’s not my problem.

Again, with conviction!

It’s in the jar. It’s not my problem.

It’s in the jar. It’s not my problem.

It’s in the jar. It’s not my problem.

Now go take a nice bubble bath.

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This post is {Day 12} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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