Better to live in the corner of a roof than with a contentious woman.
Simmer Down, Tiger
You know the boxer stance? Arms up, hands in fists ready to strike, eyes narrowed, focused on finding the weak spot, feet moving, restless, ready.
It’s a great stance if you’re a boxer and you need to punch the other guy out to win.
It’s not so great when the other guy is your mate for life. Punch him out, you don’t really win.
Them’s Fightin’ Words
A contentious woman is a woman out for a fight. She’s always asking questions. She requires explanations. She needs more details, more information. She likes to offer alternate plans, helpful suggestions, better ideas.
She doesn’t like just listening and accepting and following. She wants to be in charge; if she can’t outright take over, she works it by always “modifying” the plan. He says green, she says, “Okay, but light green.” He says burgers, she says, “Okay, fine, but not that one place with the greasy fries.”
She has to be involved in making the decision. She really wants to be the one making the decision; since she isn’t, she is constantly correcting, instructing, tweaking, improving his decisions.
Compare and Contrast
Is it wrong to ask questions or make suggestions? No. It isn’t. But there are two very different ways to ask the same question. C’mon. You know.
There’s the huffy way, with the Mom-like tone of voice and the sigh of exasperation at the end (sometimes it’s the snort of contempt, another favorite).
Or there’s the happy way, with the normal voice, no not-so-hidden agendas involved. That’s the way that tells your husband he can actually answer your question honestly without fearing the repercussion.
Your Husband Gets You
He can tell when there’s strife in the air. He senses it. Guess what? God designed men to stand up to those who challenge their authority and position. It’s God’s way of providing protection for the family.
Guess what else? God commanded men to love their wives sacrificially, as Christ loves the church.
When you are contentious, you are creating a situation that is simply impossible for your husband. He has to either 1) ignore his natural drive to face and defeat challengers or 2) ignore the command to love you.
Snip, Snip, Snip
Put yourself in your husband’s position for a moment. He comes home, he senses your hostility (that’s what it is, when you get right down to it), he knows he better tread carefully or there will be a fight.
He mentions an issue at work, or plans for the weekend, and you start asking questions in that snippy little voice. No answer. He’s right there, he’s just not responding. You ask again. No answer. You look around, and see him retreating into the garage.
Why You Get Ignored
The moment you whipped out the snippy voice with the baited questions, he had to decide. His first instinct was pure male: to take the bait (which he is aware of, because you’re not as sneaky as you think), pull out his can of “WHOOP-BUTT,” and apply it, liberally, to you.
His second instinct was husband: to avoid the fight, repercussions of which tend to ruin the night, and get the heck out of Dodge until things cool down.
Showdown at the O.K. Corral
And you? You don’t really like either option, do you? You want to fight and you want to win, because you’re dying to prove something to somebody.
Maybe you want to prove that you’re smarter, or better, or funnier, or that you work harder or do more or need more money or more time or more help. You probably forget what the point was by the time the fight’s over, because the real point was just to fight.
Disturbing the Peace
Why are you so eager to get out the boxing gloves?
- Comparing: you have a continual mental scale of what he does vs. what you do. When the scale isn’t balanced, you want to fight.
- Discontentment: you’re simply unhappy on a level that has nothing to do with circumstances, and you’re letting it come out by striving.
- Unresolved Issues: there’s an issue that’s been bothering you and instead of addressing it humbly and directly, you’re picking fights about everything else.
- Parenting Problems: you haven’t been dealing with the verbal or behavioral strife coming from your own kids, but by the end of the day you’ve got to get it out on somebody.
- Feelings of Failure: you’re not making progress on a goal, project, or area of personal growth and that failure is hitting you deep. In response, you’re lashing out.
- Disorganization: a disorderly home, a packed schedule (or no schedule at all), clutter, and lack of priorities leave you stressed and drained by the end of the day, but instead of dealing with the problem you distract yourself with a fight.
The Fall-Out
What happens when you are constantly looking for a fight?
You find one.
You get ignored. You get hurt. You get angrier. You get offended, and the offenses become a sticky mass of resentment that settles in your heart.
This is not what a happy marriage is made of. It’s time to change.
5-Minute Marriage Check
Some personalities are more directly confrontational; others tend to avoid a fight but get anger out through passive-aggressive ways. Neither way is a healthy habit for marriage because your spouse is not your enemy.
You are two against the world.
You are two against the culture.
You are two against the adversities, pains, losses, disappointments, and trials that will be part of life.
You can face them together and overcome, or you can tear each other down and be torn apart.
Do this: Go outside. If it’s raining, stand under the porch. Look around. Look up. The world is big. Take a deep breath. Say this to yourself:
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called daughters of God.”
(My paraphrase, Matt. 5:9, NASB)
Decide to be a peacemaker. Decide to agree instead of argue. Decide to encourage instead of analyze. Decide to support instead of question. Decide to give instead of demand.
5-Minute Action Point
Which area needs work in your life?
- Comparing
- Discontentment
- Unresolved Issues
- Parenting Problems
- Feelings of Failure
- Disorganization
It might be more than one area. For each area that you know is a problem and is creating contention in your spirit, get a piece of paper or a note card.
Write down the specific problems. For example,
Comparing: I think other women look better than me, and I’m always wondering if he thinks that too.
Unresolved Issues: I’m still grieving over my miscarriage.
Feelings of Failure: I can’t believe I lost my job; and I can’t lose this weight and I feel like a slob and a failure.
Disorganization: I never feel prepared for the week, the house never gets clean, I can’t figure out what to cook for dinner and we end up eating out.
For each item you wrote down, do these two things:
- Pray about it. Ask for help. Ask for wisdom. Ask for forgiveness. Give it to God.
- Take action on it. It is dead-weight as long as you try to ignore it. Do something about it; decide what, and put it on your card. For example,
Comparing – my action: I’m going to memorize Psalm 45:10-17 and I’m going to wear make-up every day because I feel better about myself when I do.
Unresolved Issues – my action: I’m going to talk to my husband about this and about how much I’m still hurting over it.
Feelings of Failure – my action: I’m going to find a diet/exercise plan and follow it, and I’m going to work on my resume.
Disorganization – my action: I’m going to use Sunday nights to plan for my week, and I’m going to make a menu, and I’m going to clean for 20 minutes every night.
You may still fall short in these areas, especially if you have a lot of things you want to work on. Pick the top two and focus on them, first; pray, and complete the action. Then go on from there. You will see and feel a difference in your spirit as you deal with these problems.
Free yourself to be a peacemaker.
Image by
kikfoto.
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This post is {Day 10} of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.
It’s a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We’ll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We’ll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we’ve picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day’s reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.
Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.
Here’s to better, stronger, happier marriages!
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