Feb 9, 2010
Parenting 101: I’m Always There
I'm always there. I'm overseeing every moment of their little lives. Even on bad hair days.
They may not know it, but
I'm always close, watching, listening, protecting. Why? Right now, it's about guiding and training their behavior, protecting them from any sort of abuse, and guarding their little hearts from fear, insecurity, confusion.
That means I don't just blithely send them off to whatever activity or childcare is offered. My default is that they stay with me. I want to know what's going on with them, what they're experiencing. I have to be there to know that.
I choose very carefully the people who take care of them when I need a sitter - it's grandparents or Aunties or, very rarely, a single gal I know and trust who has a great track record with us. I have a few other standbys - married women who are raising/have raised kids in the same kind of protecting, nurturing way - but every there I'm careful, prayerful. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't think so. These children - my children - are innocent little travelers in a big, rough world.
They'll grow up and be capable of handling it, but that's not for a while yet. Right now their hearts and minds are so tender, impressionable. A scary cartoon has a big effect. If I let them loose into a world of confusing, conflicting adult standards, the number of negative experiences would increase 1000%. Not all would be really bad. A kid doesn't have to be abused to become hurt, scared, and unsure about right and wrong.
I want my children to grow up to be adults who know right and wrong as absolutes and who have a positive, optimistic outlook. Differing standards and negative experiences undermine those two goals. No, I can't control everything. I'm not saying I always say no, or that I never let them out to learn and interact. I am saying this, though: I'm there.
I'm there to see what happens, to explain, to shield, to provide security and reason even when things are difficult. I tell my kids the truth. When our dog died, I told them. When they asked if Gigi (my step Mom) was my Mommy, I explained: No, my Mommy died. (Their answer: Like our doggie died? Yes, kids, death is death.)
They live in this fallen world too and they can't be shielded from all pain, nor should they be. But I'm in charge of their pain management. Joe and I are the interpreters of the world for them. When big scary things happen, we are there to put it in context for them. And you don't know what a big scary thing is to them unless you're there.
So. Unless one of my tried-and-true, trusted sitters is available, our kids stay with me. And even when the sitters are available, most of the time our kids stay with me. I love them. I want them with me. I want to be there. We leave them maybe twice a month for a date night out. Other times we have date night in (better dress code...).
I pass on most Mommy's Day Out, drop and shop, etc programs where there are way too many factors out of my control. Every week or two, when I get claustrophobic and need time to be me-sans-Mommyness, Joe keeps the kids at home and I go out for a couple of hours.
For classes and fun stuff like dance or gym or sports that I want them to be part of (and there aren't many), I make sure 1) it's a group deal with 2+ adults there at all times and 2) I stay and watch to see how things go for a while before I leave, IF I leave and 3) I'm always early for pickup time, to see how things wrap up and to be sure my child isn't left alone unsupervised or uncertain about what's net. I avoid situations that I can't predict with accuracy when it comes to leaving my children.
That's the place I've come to with my kids. They are very young right now, and as they grow we will have a bit more freedom. But I come back to this truth: these little people are given to me as a trust. No one else has the heart and instinct and mind to mother my children, because God gave that to me. I'm their Mom, and these days of intensive mothering are few and swiftly passing. I want to make the most of them.
(Poor kids. This means they're definitely going to end up weird like me. Mwahahaha.)
What do you think? How do you handle the endless opportunities for outings? What are you standards? How do you fit in alone time?
This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at SteadyMom.
I do much the same. Since my husband works from home (about 50% of the time he is in our home office and the other 50% he is at a client) he is also almost always there. This gives me SOME flexibility to get time alone, though I try to remember that he is working. A large factor in this is that our budget is really tight right now so we can't afford a lot of help, but even if we could I'm not sure we'd do much different. I am enjoying so much watching them grow and learn and though it is exhausting the days are fleeting.
Oh I am so on the same page, my kids are mine for such a short time and I so intend to be with them... No I don't leave them with sitters, even though they function well as a team and a sitter would most likely be redundant... I would never leave my kids alone without a parent...I want to be the constant background in their lives. My husband and I have found ways to go out with our tribe in tow... sit at the beach together while they play in full view, go for a walk together while they bound about us... I don't find it a burden as many of my friends seem to think - it is my joy!!
Before I was a mom and I taught a couple of classes I found kids of "hovering moms" never quite got involved 100%. So when my kids do extra-murals I usually play with their siblings outside or read quietly way on the side so that I am there but not mentally present (If that makes sense!!!) I want them to learn to do their own thing without looking to me for "What I think!"... but I want to be there for them when they need me.
You are right they are little for such a short time and I for one am prepared to stick like glue!!!
I agree with you, I rarely leave my children with anyone else. My mother and step-mother were the only people who have watched my children. Recently, I let my 3 year old stay with the sitter in our church nursery but after many times of me seeing how they interacted with him. I just can't trust other people with the two most precious people in my life. I also agree that as they get older I'll loosen up a little.
I get time for myself once or twice a week when my husband can stay home with them. Also,they go to bed at 7pm so that gives me time to myself until I go to bed.