SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Culture-speak and God-speak

are rarely the same thing.

Define Normal For Me

A couple of thousand years ago, sharing your husband with a concubine wasn't a big deal.

A few hundred years ago, having no legal rights except those granted by your husband was just the way things were.

Arranged marriages are normal, somewhere. Walking five feet behind your husband out of respect is normal, somewhere. Covering your hair and face to keep yourself modest for your husband is normal, somewhere. Working side-by-side with your husband to till up and plant a field by hand is normal, somewhere.

Culture Speaks, We Listen

Our culture defines normal for us and we let it. There's no inherent problem with that; customs and traditions are part of culture, and they change with time. There is a problem, though, when our culture defines as normal something that God defines as irregular. And then we get the reverse as well: God tells us the way things should be, and our culture says, "No way; that is weird, fanatical, strange, stifling, out-dated, stupid."

Weird Is the New Normal

We hang on to the obvious stuff. Don't commit adultery; that's pretty clear, and we stand our ground on that. But so many other little ways of thinking become part of our mentality and we don't even stop to question their rightness. We receive and receive and receive these cultural messages and we are influenced by them.

• Men are stupid.

The sitcom stereotype of the bumbling husband and the witty, has-it-together wife inundate us with this message: men are really stupid, overgrown little boys and it's best for everybody if we don't leave them in charge.

• Talking solves everything.

There's nothing we love more than a good talk session. We have a problem, we give it an official name and then get therapy for it. Sometimes therapy is needed, don't get me wrong. But sometimes talking is just talking. Sometimes what is needed is a change in how we think and how we act, and words can't do that.

• Love is something you fall in and out of.

Love is a mystical, miracle, destined, hand-of-fate warm-fuzzy experience that may or may not happen to you, may or may not happen at the right time, in the right way, with the right person. And it may come and go. And there's really nothing you can do about it. Except that's not true. Love is something you choose to do, a way you choose to act.

• Sex is a tool.

Our culture has twisted sex into something grotesque. We are told to be sexy in order to attract a man, then we're told to use sex to get what we want from that man, then we're told to make fun of how much that man wants sex. No wonder so many of us struggle with sex in the Christian marriage. The only information many of us got was the world's version, and we're not sure what God thinks about the whole thing.

• Marriage is a partnership.

Tricky, huh? It sounds okay. There's a problem, though; in a partnership, both parties are expected to give a fair amount and get their fair share back. If either party fails to deliver, the partnership can be dissolved. That doesn't sound like God's definition of marriage to me. Marriage is a commitment - for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. The other party may not be giving what you think you should get, but that doesn't give you the right to just walk away.

Getting Past the Buzz

The state of marriage in current culture isn't anything to brag about, so it's safe to say that our culture doesn't really know what it's talking about when it comes to men, women, love, and marriage. We're pretty good at technology, profit margins, and mass-produced food, but we aren't so good at commitment, integrity, true fidelity.

God is. God knows what He is talking about. He designed man and woman and He certainly knows how they best work together, in every aspect. We need to listen to Him more and to our culture less. And that's tough to do, because we constantly find the cultural messages infiltrating even the safe places of church and home.

The only way to combat the culture-speak is to spend time getting the real story.

5-Minute Marriage Check

How much culture-speak are you hearing on a daily basis? Think about these sources and how often they are part of your life:

1. The television (movies, shows).

2. The Internet (ouch).

3. Magazines.

4. Phone chats (a favorite for trading culturisms back and forth).

5. Novels (yes, even Christian ones).

6. Music (listen to the lyrics).

7. Self-help books, courses, advice.

8. Family members (good intentions, but not always good advice).

9. Advertising in any form.

10. Radio, talk shows.

No, you can't tune out the world and it's futile to try. But you can be aware of the source. Quit accepting everything you hear without thinking about it. Start asking questions: What are they really saying? What does that really mean? Is that true? What does God say? How do I want to live?

5-Minute Action Point

There are several ways to start getting the real story.

1. Daily time in the Word – the original, the best!

2. Memorize and meditate on Scripture.

3. Listen to worship music, classical music, instrumental music: music that allows you to enjoy and listen without telling you what to think.

4. Teaching on the Bible – church, Bible studies, there are sources everywhere.

5. Read the works of Christians past and present – get a feel for the timelessness of truth.

Any one of those points above, coupled with a time to pray, will do much to weed out the culture-speak and make you more sensitive to what God says. And the more you hear from God, the better you will be at discerning what else you hear.

Spend more time hearing from God, less time hearing from the culture.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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