SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Lie #2: He needs me to tell him what to do.

Control and Why We Want to Have It

There's a truth we know about people from experience: they are stupid. They mess up. They let us down. They don't get it. They lie, they disappoint, they break hearts, they say hurtful things, they put themselves first. We see ourselves as the victims (and sometimes we are). They're stupid, and we have to deal with the consequences. They mess up, and we pick up the mess. They disappoint, and we get blindsided. They break our hearts.

So we find a way to deal with it. We decide, consciously or not, that the only way toavoid being the victim again is to be the one in control. We step in and take over. We start directing people; first the people closest to us, who can hurt us most, and then, eventually, everyone within reach. The habit of control never stops extending.

Control and Why It Doesn't Work

We bump into reality again. There's another truth about people: they don't like to be controlled. They resist our authority, those subversive rascals, and we keep raising the stakes, changing our methods, getting louder. We're also getting more stressed out and overwhelmed, but we try not to admit that. Admitting that would be admitting that having control is more trouble than it's worth, and that would get us right back to where we don't want to be: vulnerable, helpless, a victim in waiting.

The Truth About Victimization

The truth is that controlling other people has nothing to do with whether or not you become a victim. Control itself turns you into a victim, locking you into a stressed-out, overwhelmed, worry-filled, fear-driven, critical version of your true self. That's not who you really want to be, is it? It's no fun. Nobody else likes being around that version of you. In striving to protect yourself, you drive people away. You end up victimizing yourself and destroying all your relationships in the process.

Where Does This Leave You?

What happens when you really let go of control? When you decide to quit being a victim?

You find out that you're free to be happy.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Recognize the burden that control is on your own shoulders. Setting yourself up as the only one capable of making a decision, running the house, handling the finances, choosing the restaurant, making the phone call, anticipating the future, and solving the problems isn't a good idea. You simply burn out. You aren't mean to be everything to everyone.

Recognize the real consequences. What happens if you step out of the picture for an hour or so? Does the house explode? Your children self-destruct? Your husband pull out his hair and say, "Oh dear God, how can I go on?" No. The house may be a mess. The children might get dirty. Your husband might get mad. But everyone will still be alive. Your presence, and all of the control you think it implies, may not be as pertinent as you think.

Let your ego deflate. Can you handle it? Before you can really be free to be happy, you have to realize that you may not be as important as you think you are. This doesn't mean you aren't valuable. You are valuable. You just don't always have to be the one in charge. Let yourself be free to be unimportant. Let yourself follow sometimes, instead of lead. Let yourself listen instead of instruct. Let yourself not know the answer.

5-Minute Action Point

God wants you to be free from the burden of control. He did not create you to fix everything, perfect all that is imperfect, or know the answers to all of life's problems. He gave you special gifts and a particular purpose, but the spirit of control smothers the real you.

Set aside a time to talk with God about how control has controlled you.

Make a list: 5 things that you will no longer try to control (fix, improve, deal with, check on, take care of, help with, get involved in, or other synonyms for control).

Now what's one thing you've been wanting to do that you haven't had time for? Go get a novel, a magazine, your scrap-booking stuff, a new journal, make a coffee-date with a friend, put on your walking shoes: find something that is you, and spend your free time – the time you're not trying to control stuff that isn't you – on it.

Have fun! Be free.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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