SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Friction isn't always a bad thing.

Two Kinds of Family Time

I grew up in a home of intense family time. Quality time together was what we loved; it was important, a key part of our family identity.

We had dinner together, went shopping together, watched movies together, ate out together. Sure, we had our own lives and activities and relationships, but the times of being together remained a hallmark of our family from the time I was little to the day I got married and moved out.

It was a great way to grow up.

My husband grew up spending a lot of time with his family, too. His parents owned a business and the whole family spent their days there. My husband and his siblings did their school and played in the back room; when they got a little older, they worked in the business.

Since they spent every day together, their nights at home were mainly spent in separate endeavors, taking care of the things they wanted to do before the next day of work. They developed their close relationships in their business together.

It was a great way to grow up, too.

When Worlds Collide

You can imagine what happened as we settled into being married. I started working with Joe at the family business, too, a few days a week, which I enjoyed. Until we got home and I wanted to sit down and have "family time" and Joe was off tackling a project, thinking we'd been having family time all day long.

The Beautiful Differences

The LORD looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men; From His dwelling place He looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, He who fashions the hearts of them all, He who understands all their works.

Psalm 33:13

God is not surprised at the things that make you and your husband different. You may be surprised, shocked, horrified; but God just smiles and waits for you to get it.

The friction created by our differences is part of God's design. God brings us together to strengthen each other, to balance each other; we are "iron sharpening iron," and if we let it, the friction in marriage will turn us into people more reflective of our God.

What we need to handle the friction without freaking out is the all-important element of really good oil. My husband, the fix-it guy, has taught me a lot: metal on metal without oil results in engines blowing up and pesky problems like that. But when there's oil, the metal can do its job and connect without overheating, grinding, and breaking.

When we experience friction in our marriage, we need the oil of God's love. The oil of joy. The oil of trust. Without that, we just get really overheated.

How to Get the Oil

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.

Proverbs 3:5-7

In those early days of marriage, my own understanding said, "We need family time if we're going to be a strong family so I better make this happen." Guess what happened? Not quality time together, that's for sure.

Every time we hit that point of friction, I leaned on my own understanding; I whined, manipulated, and demanded to get my way. My behavior caused Joe to resent me and draw away (who wants to hang out with a whiner?), and that created over-sensitivity and offense in my own heart over the matter.

I finally got so hurt and frustrated that I gave up. "Okay, Lord, fine. If you want us to have time together, it's up to you. I'm done." And God said, "Good; that's what I've been waiting for."

I had to ignore my own understanding and trust in the Lord; as soon as I did, the urgency and offense melted away. As I quit being wise in my own eyes, I was able to see that my preferences were just that: preferences. And as I acknowledged God's leadership through my husband, I found a myriad of easy, simple, wonderful ways to spend quality time with my husband in a way that worked for us.

Let's Recap

1. Our natural differences result in friction.

2. Friction is a good thing, a tool God uses to make us more like Him.

3. When we try to "fix" friction on our own, we end up overheated.

4. When we lean on our own understanding, we make the friction worse.

5. When we are wise in our own eyes, we make the friction worse.

6. When we trust in the Lord, we get the oil of His joy and peace poured on the friction. Things smooth out. The sharpening happens but the friction is reduced.

5-Minute Marriage Check

How are you and your husband different? Let us count the ways.

• Gender differences

He's a boy, you're a girl, and forever and always there will be times when you simply look at each other and shake your heads in mutual puzzlement.

• Personality differences

You may be outgoing, he may be introverted, or vice versa. One of you is detailed; the other is a big-picture person. The differences make you a powerful team, but they also make you wonder what is wrong with each other. The answer? Nothing is wrong. Learn as much as you can about your husband's personality and it will help you understand him and accept him and see how he is the perfect match for your personality.

• Communication differences

People communicate love in different ways. You may, like me, want to spend quality time together as a way of expressing love; meanwhile, your husband might be fixing the dishwasher as a way to communicate love. If you figure out how your husband expresses love, you'll be able to receive that love from him without feeling slighted (and you can also be sure to show your love in his language). And if you can identify the way you express love, you can help him understand what means the most to you.

• Family history differences

The way we grew up is a huge influence on what we expect our own marriages and families to look like. My husband and I had very similar upbringings, and we agree on most major issues, but we find ourselves at odds on little things, the practical daily parts of family life. Those little things can become big conflicts unless you can step back, see where your preferences come from, and agree together on what works for your family now. Learn from your past, but don't be codependent on it!

5-Minute Action Point

Pick one of the following and start a little study on your husband (do all three if you want):

1. Learn about his personality (and your own). A few great resources include

• An Overview of Personality Types and help with Discovering Your Personality.
• A description of personalities based on Gary Smalley's "animal personalities" breakdown, plus a "personality inventory" quiz to determine which animal you are. This is one of my favorite ways to learn about personality. Great for kids, too.
• A great book about personalities is Florence Littauer's Personality Plus. Fun to read, easy to understand.

2. Learn about your and your husband's love languages. This is a great thing for couples to know about each other and can make life a lot easier! Read the information, take the quiz, and ask your husband to take the quiz too. It's fun.

• You can take a quick quiz or a create a personal profile based on Dr. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. You can also read a brief overview of the five love languages.
  

3. Learn about your husband's spiritual gifts. Learn about your own too. These gifts tie into our personalities, but they also help explain our passions and dreams. Here are some great places to get started:

• A Spiritual Gifts Test from Ministry Tools Resource Center
• A more in-depth look from GregWeins.com includes a Spiritual Gifts Assessment and Definitions of the Spiritual Gifts.
  

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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