SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Always assume that your husband has the best possible motives.

Let's Break That Down

Most of the time, conflict in marriage is a matter of two people who love each other assuming that they really don't love each other.

In our case, we women jump to conclusions about what our husband is trying to do. We analyze his remarks, his timing, his clothing choices, his decisions, his forgetfulness, his every little move. And we tend to assume the worst. Here's an example.

Scenario 1: How Rude

It starts with a simple thing, usually some sort of unmet expectation or careless word. Husband makes joke about wife's earlobes, he thinks it is funny, wife thinks it is rude, wife gets feelings hurt...

Wife thinks: I can't believe he said that! How juvenile! He is so rude and insensitive! He must know how I feel about jokes like that! He knows I'm sensitive about my ear lobes. I can't believe he would say that! He's just trying to hurt my feelings. He is being so mean!

Husband thinks: Wow, I guess she didn't like my joke. Wonder what's for dinner?

Wife thinks: And now he's IGNORING the fact that my feelings are hurt! How could he? Why can't we just talk about this like normal people? Is he even going to apologize? What is trying to do, make me cry?

Husband thinks: Uh-oh, she looks really upset. I guess it's that joke, because I can't think of anything else... Wonder why that made her mad? I wonder if I should apologize now or just let her settle down for a minute. I don't want to make her cry and ruin our night with a big scene. It was just a little joke! It didn't mean anything! I was just trying to make her laugh after a long day! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT DID I MISS?

Wife thinks: And after the day I've had, which he knows all about, I can't believe he would make a stupid, mean, rude, awful joke like that just to tick me off and then just let me sit here, all alone, and he must know how hurt I am and he's just totally ignoring it, he doesn't even care, he probably doesn't even want to be here, he probably said that just to get back at me because I told him I wanted to have some family time tonight and instead of having a pleasant conversation he has to come in here with that stupid remark and ruin everything and now he's just sitting there. Why did I even bother making dinner?

Husband thinks: Wow, I was really looking forward to a quiet night at home, just us and the kids, a little dinner and a movie, relaxing... not this. Looks like it's going to be a big one. Guess I better go apologize now, because I think the damage is already done and there ain't no undoing. Oh God, please don't let her cry, don't let her start crying...

It could have been oh, so different.

Love believes the best. One of two things will happen when you start believing the best: 1) you'll be right, and you'll avoid a conflict over something that wasn't there anyway by seeing what really is there or 2) you'll be wrong, your husband really did have stinky motives, but by believing the best about him and acting accordingly, you'll make him want to be better without creating conflict over it.

When we know the person we love believes the best about us, we start wanting to live up to it. Conversely, when we know that they expect the worst from us, we tend to let ourselves slide lower and lower. Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it.

Scenario 2: How Funny

Husband makes joke about wife's earlobes, husband thinks it is funny, wife thinks it is rude, wife is about to get feelings hurt when...

Wife thinks: I can't believe he said that! How juvenile! He is so rude and insensitive.... oh wait. No, he's not. He's never rude on purpose. He loves me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He knows I had a long day, I'm worn out, and the kids were misbehaving. He must have made that joke just to try to cheer me up. He probably forgot that I'm actually really sensitive about my ear lobes. I can remind him. No big deal. And it was a pretty funny joke, after all.

Wife says: Honey, you're so funny. Thanks for cheering me up. By the way, I think your joke is funny, but I am really kind of sensitive about...

Husband interrupts: Your earlobes? Oh my goodness, I forgot, you're right, I'm so sorry! I was just trying to help you forget about your stressful day. I'm so sorry, baby. I love your cute little earlobes...

Fade out.

Better, don't you think?

5-Minute Marriage Check

If you have a tendency to believe the worst about your husband, it often comes from an even deeper tendency to believe the worst about yourself.

You think, "He doesn't really love me"; you mean, "I don't really think I'm worth loving."

You think, "He doesn't even like me"; you mean, "I can't figure out what there is to like about me."

You think, "He doesn't want to spend time with me"; you mean, "I feel like such a drag."

You think, "He is so insensitive"; you mean, "I'm way too sensitive but I don't know how to stop."

Find a time and space to be alone for five minutes (lock yourself in the car!) and read these statements out loud.

1. I am a child of God and I have been made worthy of His love.

2. I am a child of God and He likes me enough to count the hairs on my head.

3. I am a child of God and He died just to spend time, all of time, with me.

4. I am a child of God and He is sensitive enough to capture my every tear in a bottle.

5. I am a child of God and He believes the best about me.

Did you catch that?

God believes the best about you.

5-Minute Action Point

Memorize this verse:

“This is my beloved, and this is my friend.”

{Song of Solomon 5:16}

Walk around today with that verse in your heart for your husband. Say it when you look at his photo, talk to him on the phone, fold his laundry, make his dinner, train his children. Say it every time you think about him.

You are reminding yourself of your husband's true heart for you: he is your beloved, and you are his beloved. He is your friend, and you are his friend.

This is the truth of marriage that we often forget. If you will remember, you will automatically begin to assume the best motives in your husband: the motives of a true beloved and a best friend.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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