SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

Lie #1: I deserve something more than I'm getting.

It Goes Like This

You know that your man gets off work at 5, so you assume he will wrap up his work quickly, jump in the car and be on his way home by 5:15. You expect, then, that he will be walking in the door shortly thereafter.

At 5:30 you start watching the clock. At 5:45 you start pacing and watching the clock. At 6:00 you send a loving text message, along the lines of "Where ARE you???" At 6:15 he walks in the door; you are past seething and well into boiling stage. Welcome to an evening of quality time and togetherness.

Where the Trouble Starts

The trouble started with your initial assumption and got worse when that became an expectation, concrete and obvious to you but not even communicated to him.

How many times do we have these unspoken expectations, based on these unquestioned assumptions, and how many times do we let them create anger and offense in our hearts, conflict in our homes?

Our Assumptions

* You assume he will handle all the icky jobs around the house, because your Dad always did; so you expect him to take out the trash. You don't get it when he doesn't; he doesn't get why it's such a big deal, and how did that get to be his job anyway?

* You assume that he should spent time quality time with the kids every night, because that's what a Christian dad should do; so you expect him to walk in, drop to the floor, and spend an hour entertaining and interacting with the children. You think he's being a bad father when he doesn't; he can't figure out why you seem so irritated every night - he hasn't even been home long enough to do anything, so what's the problem?

The Expectation List

You have one for your husband, you have one for yourself and you feel guilty when you don't live up to it. You know and understand the contents of your list, but to your husband it is probably a document vying with White House legal memorandums in length, specificity, and total lack of intelligibility.

When is the list ever completely fulfilled? The list, you see, changes, grows, morphs with each action or non-action. There is no end. It is, like the grave and the fire, never satisfied.

Those Deadly Little Beasts

Everyone has expectations, and we've grown so accustomed to them that we overlook their affect. They are deadly little beasts, sucking the life and joy out of every relationship into which they creep. They remove our ability to be surprised, delighted, and content.

Contentment receives what comes - what happens - what others do or say - with an attitude of humility and disregard for self. Contentment does not mean "not wanting." It is not the absence of any desire. Contentment means, no matter what the desire, there is an attitude of acceptance. I will take what is given, even if it is not what I desired.

Submit to My Superior Plans, You Fool!

Expectations are based on pride. I know what should happen. My way is the best. My plan is better. You should do what I want.

When people fail to meet our expectations, we get angry because they have not recognized and submitted to our superior plans for them. Obviously if they really understood the situation... if they really got it... they would see things our way. Right?

5-Minute Marriage Check

What is a continual source of irritation or conflict in your marriage? Write down the top 3 things.

Now take a minute to think about the expectations underlying these conflicts. What are you assuming? What are you expecting?

Conflict often comes when we expect something from our husbands but we have either failed to communicate that expectation or he has simply failed to meet it. Sometimes the best way to erase the conflict is to erase the expectation.

It isn't about whether it's a good thing or a bad thing, whether it's reasonable or not. What matters is that an expectation is really a demand of the spirit, and it comes from a heart that is self-serving. That self-serving attitude keeps you from accepting your husband as he is, receiving his love with gratitude, and cultivating contentment in your spirit.

A demanding spirit can never be content.

5-Minute Action Point

Write down three statements that correspond to the areas of conflict you mentioned above. This is your chance to retrain your spirit into gratitude instead of expectation.

1. I will not expect my husband to...

2. I will not expect my husband to...

3. I will not expect my husband to...

You have just set yourself and your husband free from the prison of expectation in those areas. Next time you find yourself entering one of those conflicts, stop and go back to these statements.

Remind yourself that you have given up the right to have this expectation, to make this demand. Now you are free to receive, with joy, what your husband chooses to give.

Doesn't that feel better? (Hey... psst... it might not at first. Stick with it. Freedom is so much more fun.)

Erase the expectations and you erase the conflict.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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