SISTER WISDOM

What’s Your Fatal Flaw?

(Not to be confused with the alternate title I considered, “How to Be a Femme Fatale.” Toooootally different.)

Why You Should Be Friends With Your Opposite

So my sister-in-law and I were talking today. We’re great friends, and we’re basically complete opposites. (Not surprising, perhaps, our husbands – the brothers – are also basically complete opposites.)

Our friendship has some great advantages. We help each other understand what our spouses are thinking. And we help each other understand what might (possibly, as if we could ever be irritating) irritate the living himini-jiminies out of our spouses. Plus we also just LIKE each other. And our daughters are best friends.

But I digress.

Transparency Vs. Clamshell-ency

My sister-in-law is a transparent person. If she feels it, you know it. I, on the other hand, am like a clam in a very tight shell. If I feel it, you will never know it unless I decide that I want you to know it and I will only decide that I want you to know it after I think about it. For a long, long time.

Both of our, er, communication styles have their good points. She’s honest. She doesn’t let an offense go unattended, so resentment doesn’t build up. And when she’s overwhelmed, she lets her husband know.
And me, well, I’m good at keeping confidences. I choose my words carefully, and thus it’s rare that I hurt someone’s feelings by what I say. Since I think before I speak, I usually calm myself down so I’m not super-emotional when I do talk.

Annie on the Halfshell

But then there are the bad points. I’ll just elaborate on my own: here’s the difference between me and a clam. When a clam gets an irritant in its tightly locked up little shell, it makes a beautiful pearl. When I get an irritant, I just get irritated. But I keep it stuffed in. I push it further down. I get more irritated. I get overwhelmed. I get upset. I talk myself out of being upset. Then I get more irritated, more overwhelmed, and more upset. By that time, the only thing I can do is talk, i.e., mutter half-sentences about “I’m just so tired….” and “But I don’t know what’s wrong….!” in between bouts of weeping.  Poor Joe.

My Fatal Flaw

My fatal flaw is that I’m not so good at communicating myself to others. I’m super at listening, but I’m also super at changing the subject when it comes around to what’s going on in my head and heart.

I’m not good at being vulnerable. I’m not good at just saying what is important to me. I despise asking for help.

“So I Told Him…”

My sister-in-law/opposite friend is the one who helped me discover my fatal flaw. No, she didn’t walk up and say, “Hey, clamshell, you need to talk more!” I just noticed something in our conversation, a repeated phrase: “So I told him,” “then I told him,” “after I told him…” and so on. You get it. She was talking to me about talking to her husband.

And that’s when I got it. Her husband knew every single thing about her because she (gasp) told him. He did not have to read her mind. He did not have to guess. She said, “I want.” She said, “I feel.” She said, “I need help.” She said, “I’m upset.” She said, “I’m happy.”

Talk about making your husband’s life easier! Meanwhile, here’s Joe, having to go read my blog to find out what I’m thinking about… (I love you, honey!)

The Hopeful Part

The first step is admitting you have a problem. After that, it’s not nearly as much of a problem as it used to be.

When I think about the times I’ve just been down, way way down, or the times when Joe and I have just felt like we were missing each other, I can pin almost all of them on a point when I didn’t communicate.

Now that I know what my tendency is, I can watch for it. It’s not always a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. Being able to listen and think has served me well in many instances. But when I’m unaware of how it can affect me, when it isolates me, when it undermines my relationships, then it is a bad thing. And that’s when I pull out my “Fatal-Flaw-Busting-Light-Saber” and do my little Darth Vader dance. (Minus the mask and asthmatic breathing.)

Find Your Fatal Flaw and Vanquish It!

Here’s a quick and easy way:
1. Grab your best friend. Chances are, you’re personality opposites.
2. What’s her “strongest” personality trait?
3. What’s the opposite of that?
4. Bingo! Your fatal flaw!
5. Now that you know, keep an eye on it. Use your light saber appropriately.

Original image courtesy of Mr TGT. Totally awesome photo editing job – all me.