In a multitude of words, there wanteth not sin…
Honesty doesn’t mean verbal vomit.
Honesty’s good, right? And in our liberated time, we women should not only be honest, we should be just as loud in our honesty as any man. Right?
But what about what my Mama always said:
If you can’t say anything nice… (you know the rest)
Don’t say anything at all.
The more you talk, the more likely you are to say something stupid. It’s just a simple statistical truth. The greater the whole, the greater your percentage of goofing up in it.
So we have a dilemma. Which is it? Be honest and tell your husband you hate the birthday gift, or be nice and keep quiet? Be honest and lambast him with how he’s offended you over the last 10 days, or be sweet, overlook the offenses, and say nothing?
Isn’t it dishonest to keep quiet and let him assume you love your plaid pajama kilt? Isn’t it untruthful to hide your hurt feelings?
In a word: no. The habit of verbal vomit – spewing whatever nitpicks, nags, and nuances are uppermost in your mind – is a twisted, narcissistic way of communicating. It’s not so much honesty as it is self-indulgence.
If you know that what you are about to say will be rude, unkind, discourteous, offensive, and/or hurtful, you have two (good) options: 1) Shut your mouth and keep it shut or 2) Find something else to say.
Sure, there are times you need to talk about difficult subjects. Honesty is important. Your feelings and preferences do matter. But piling one offense on top of another is not good communication. Choosing your words carefully and following Mama’s advice is much better. Find a way to say what you need to say without offending, sarcasm, criticism…
If you can’t say it nice, chances are it’s better off unsaid.
5 Minute Action Point:
Go write down five wonderful, positive, encouraging things you can say to your husband. Read them over as many times as you can in five minutes (this helps you remember them). Next time you find yourself about to say something negative, discouraging, rude, sarcastic, or self-centered, make yourself say one of these positive statements instead.
Images courtesy of
bluebetty.
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