There’s nothing like a big bowl of caviar to get you going in the morning…
And there’s nothing like a food snob to make you want to run screaming to McDonald’s. See how obnoxious you can make yourself. For additional help, memorize the Kitchen Glossary, complain about food and liquor pairings (even if it’s just beer and chips), and order pastries by their correct French names. Refuse to eat doughnuts.
Bring your own pepper grinder and bowl of sea salt with you wherever you go.
Make a big show of pulling it out and applying the appropriate amount at those less-than-stellar restaurants you are forced to eat at with unenlightened friends. Sigh.
Curse loudly when you pass a fast food restaurant (especially)…
…or a restaurant chain of any kind. Use particular vehemence on buffets, and deliver a lecture on the insensitivity of people who eat at “those places.”
Purchase basic kitchen supplies…
…such as dish soap, gloves, and drying towels exclusively at Williams Sonoma. Nothing but the highest quality in your kitchen, even if it’s just used to scrub the pot after you make yet another amazing meal.
Talk about the unappreciated artisanal quality of local food.
You don’t have to actually eat the food, but be sure you appreciate it.
Read obscure food writers and quote them, often.
Look shocked when other people have no idea who you’re talking about. Provide even more obscure biographical facts. Look more shocked when they don’t ring a bell.
Post scathing, what-do-you-know-moron comments and responses to restaurant reviews.
Correct the reviewers on opinions of taste and food presentation. Check their spelling, too.
Talk about Julia Child, James Beard, etc. by first name…
…and as if you are all old friends. Carry around your current favorite cookbook with you, everywhere. Read especially touching passages aloud.
Stock your kitchen with imported butter, expensive olive oil…
…a wide variety of vinegars, and a shelf or two of random ‘gourmet’ items that most people cannot identify.
Refer to burgers, pizza, chili, meatloaf, and casseroles from mom-and-pop diners…
…as the classic American cuisine, the height of comfort cooking. Discuss their origins nostalgically, even if you aren’t old enough to remember them. Eat with a well-communicated sense of lost history.
Refer to different pasta types with the correct Italian pronunciation, pointedly.
Stock at least one of each, from an Italian supplier, in your pantry.
Complain about food frustrations….
…such as the poor quality of freshwater mussels, the lack of escarole, and and how the security regulations at airports have inhibited your ability to bring home more authentic foods.
Image Credit
Caviar image courtesy of angie torres on Flickr.