Photo by Jill Clardy on Flickr.
Or as my friend Andrew would say,
“When life hands you lemons, get a new life.”
Recognize Failure
Nobody’s looking over your shoulder here. It’s okay to admit that some things in your life – or maybe your whole life – isn’t working. I figure that out on a regular basic, and then I’m always surprised that it takes me so long to figure it out. Sometimes it is just a couple of little things: laundry’s not getting done, I’m not getting enough sleep, I need time with my husband, my work is getting pushed aside as I deal with emergencies. Sometimes it is everything; I collapse on Joe, crying, and when he asks me what’s wrong, I sob, “I don’t know. Nothing. Everything.”
Helpful.
The best thing to do is evaluate before it gets to the everything point. Most of the time, though, we’re all too busy trying to stick with life despite what isn’t working. We’re rolling with it, trying to keep up, and the one little failure is breeding and multiplying and we don’t have time to deal with it. Then it multiplies enough to be called “everything” and we have to deal with it.
Evaluate Your Life
Download the worksheet or use a piece of paper.
- When and/or Where is the failure happening?
- Why?
- How much does it matter?
- What needs to change?
- Who can change it?
When and Where Do Things Fall Apart?
For me, this time, it’s my schedule and how I’m trying to fit into it my regular household work, caring for two small children, caring for myself while pregnant, and several hours of writing each day. I’m only managing to make it work one or two days out of the week; the rest I just scramble, fail, get discouraged, feel overwhelmed, and do worse the next day.
What causes you frustration? When do you feel discouraged, overwhelmed, irritated, crabby, misunderstood, unappreciated, insecure, helpless? What do you avoid?
Areas to Consider
Relationships: husband/wife (communication, time together, intimacy, friendship); parent/child, extended family, friends; family traditions, family schedule.
Household: cleaning, chores, laundry/clothing, home organization, vehicles, paperwork, food and cooking, décor, space.
Finances: paying bills, not enough money, unexpected expenses, health/medical costs, problems with budgeting, debt.
Work: balancing Mom-life and work-life, working from home, organization, scheduling, realistic goals, loving/hating what you do, co-workers, boss, responsibility, salary.
Personal: spiritual life, time alone, hobbies (or lack thereof), physical well-being, exercise, sexuality.
Times to Consider
Daily Slumps: mornings don’t work well (hectic, hurried, stressful, no time for breakfast); evenings are full and there’s no time for relaxation; afternoon weariness/fatigue, inability to focus.
Weekly Slumps: a particular day or days of the week that are too full, too boring, too hectic, too unscheduled, too rigid.
Monthly Slumps: dealing with your menstrual cycle and its accompanying hormonal/emotional effects; sexual libido; bill-paying, inadequate cash flow, juggling the funds while waiting for the paycheck; extended family obligations, social events.
Yearly Slumps: no plan for summer with the kids; tiredness after holidays, traveling, and major events; house maintenance items that never get done; conflict over family traditions; depression due to weather, stress, schedule.
Make your list of the what isn’t working in your life: when and where things fall apart. Even if it feels like everything, separate that out into a few major items.
Why It Isn’t Working
Follow through on your list by looking into the why of the problems. Here’s an example of a few items on my worksheet.
WHAT: not getting enough time with my husband. WHY: too distracted with the kids and getting supper ready when he gets home, too tired to talk by the time we get everything settled for the night, and we don’t have regular date nights scheduled so they just don’t happen
WHAT: there is too much stuff and clutter and it’s driving me crazy. WHY: my husband is a stuff person who keeps bringing more stuff home and I can’t just get rid of it; I am holding on to toys/clothes from my kids to save for the next baby; I am keeping stuff that might be helpful one day but that is not being used now; I don’t have a good storage system set up.
WHAT: can’t find a balance between taking care of/spending time with my kids and getting my other work done. WHY: I don’t really know what “good balance” looks like; I let guilt be my motivation; I stick with my schedule some days and not on others; I’m not providing regular structure and routine for the kids because I let our schedule fluctuate, so I’m always having to retrain them and myself on what to expect.
There are more causes than I’ve listed, sure. You can be as exhaustive as you want to be; the point is just to get an idea of what’s happening, or not happening, that is causing the problem.
How Much It Matters
I like the way Michele Dortch at The Integrated Mother puts it:
“Prune dead leaves.
Your tree cannot flourish if you insist on keeping your dead leaves. “Dead leaves” are the things in life that no longer work for you. For instance, before children you may have enjoyed relaxing soaks in your bathtub several times a week. These days you’re lucky to hop into the shower for more than a quick wash down. Instead of clinging to the stress of not having time for your sacred bath soaks, prune that dead leaf and allow new rituals that better fit your work/life to take its place.”
Some things in life matter; some don’t. If your husband/wife relationship isn’t working, for example, that matters. However, if your relationship with your hair stylist or your babysitter isn’t working, just get a new stylist or find a new sitter. Don’t waste time trying to fix or retrieve the things that you can simply change or eliminate. Your new shirt doesn’t fit. Give it away. Buy another one.
That said, understand that some things which seem small, like having a clean bathroom or getting laundry done or planning meals or getting that toothache checked out, are not small at all. You can’t simply get rid of the bathroom without serious consequences; you can’t simply let it be uncleaned without eventually having to deal with the stink and disorder. It’s minor, but it’s unavoidable, and left alone it could become major. That’s not a dead leaf to prune, but a small branch to be staked. Get it set up right and it will grow that way effortlessly. Ignore it and it will become too large and stubborn of a problem to deal with alone.
The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours – it is an amazing journey – and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.
- Bob Moawad