SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

I have come to a great and earth-shattering conclusion about parenting philosophies. But before I tell you about that, let me just run over a few that have influenced my thinking.

• No Greater Joy is a ministry of the Michael and Debi Pearl family. I first read some of their child-training ideas back when I was in high school. Mom bought a 2 copies of their book To Train Up a Child; one for me and one for Mileah. For future reference, of course. It was a thin book, lots of examples, an easy read. I loved it. I loved the concept of pro-actively training your children, of deliberately setting up situations in which to teach them boundaries and new skills. It made so much more sense than just waiting until a crisis occurred (inevitably in public) and then having to deal with the behavior. I get their magazine now (go sign up if you don't have it; it's free) and continue to be challenged by their simple, sincere, and common sense ideas.  They talk about the issues of parenting, home educating, living as Christians in a sinful world, and maintaining your marriage. And they discuss them without shirking from what might be unpleasant truths. I especially appreciate the way they call "typical homeschoolers" to task. For example, an article in their Sep/Oct magazine talks about the "cloistered homeschool syndrome," in which "[parents] sacrifice the individual identities of their children on the altar of their own emotional needs, making them nurse when they should be killing and dressing their own food, making them obey when they should be learning to command. They seem to think that grown children are God’s gift to them rather than their gift to God." Of course, whenever you address "delicate" issues with direct truth (often as a challenge), you will become the center of controversy. Such has happened to the Pearls; sadly, the controversy is often produced by those of the church/home school circle making generalized, unsupported statements. Go to their website and read for yourself. Even if you don't agree with what they say, you have to respect the fact that they make more sense than most of the child training/marriage/family/Christianity/home education gurus in the market.
• Growing Families International is a ministry of Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. I was in high school the first time I encountered their material, as well. My parents, my sister, and I took their Reaching the Heart of Your Teen with several other families. Although Mileah and I had a pretty good relationship with Mom and Dad, some of the concepts we learned in that study helped us break through in several areas. For example, they talk about the concept of the appeal. Basically, when Mom or Dad makes a decision, the child can appeal the decision if she has new information to present "in favor of her case." She does this by asking, respectfully, "May I make an appeal?" If Mom or Dad says No, she has to abide by that. She respects their authority. But they most often say Yes (at least ours did), and she is given the chance to present the new information and ask for a new decision. They respect her influence and intelligence as a growing adult by allowing her to appeal. They may hold to the former decision or change it. The point is that the appeal process allows the teen a way to explain something that might not have been understood without arguing or whining. And it allows the parents a way to recapitulate without seeming to be indecisive. GFI also teaches scheduling for infants, and this is what has brought upon them the wrath of many an attachment-parenting advocate. Again, when you address controversial issues with clean, simple, challenging responses, you incur repercussions of people who don't like being challenged. I used the GFI parent-directed feeding with great success with our first. I've been more flexible with our second, but I still use the basic principles of the GFI concept, which is that you should not create a "child-centered home" for your baby, but instead love, nurture, and bring up the baby as an important part of an already established family. Family life doesn't revolve around baby, it includes baby as a welcome participant.

Now, all that said, I come to my great and earth-shattering concept. A dear friend and I were talking the other day and she casually said, "I guess we're kind of doing attachment parenting." Their little girl is content, developing, playful, calm. I'm sure, as every 9 month old does, she has her crying moments. My sister-in-law and I have talked a lot about the GFI methods; their little girl had acid reflux as well as having to have surgery to remove a tumor in her head during the first few months of her life. She tried to the scheduling thing but it just didn't work for them. She struggled with feeling very guilty over not doing things "by the book." (We had taken a GFI course together before our first babies were born.)The guilt is, of course, not the fault of the GFI concept. I dealt with feeling guilty and fearful myself, with Mara, when I couldn't get us on schedule for the day (or week, or what have you). Not so much with Robbie, because I'd come to this conclusion:

If you have common sense, self-discipline, and love for your baby, you're doing it right.

First-time moms struggle with that so much: not with the love or common sense or even necessarily with the self-discipline, but with the confidence that we can do this. We can raise this child in a way that works for our family, though it may not be outlined by any book or ministry, and we can be doing it right. My friend with the "attachment parenting" style is doing a great job. My sister-in-law who gave up on scheduling for the sake of family peace is doing  a great job. When I stuck to that scheduling with Mara, I did a fine job. As I've been more flexible with Robbie, I have been doing a fine job. I'm not trying to pass around unnecessary pats on the back - especially not on my own - I'm just trying to get us Moms to take those parenting philosophies for what they're worth. Help. Wise counsel. Information. Ideas. But not the inerrant, unarguable be-all and end-all of parenting.

Love. Common sense. Self-discipline. Most of all love.

We have what it takes as Moms to raise happy, healthy, well-behaved, intelligent children. We don't have perfect days. We don't have perfect methods. Love covers a multitude of faults, my own as well as my children's. Love brings me back to enjoying them even on the off days. Love helps me ask my husband for help. Love lets me take an afternoon off without feeling guilty. Love allows me to feed them fast food without worrying that they'll die. Love gives me the ability to say No to too much anything, no matter how much they want it. Love brings me back to the first Father, the best Father, the only inerrant, unchanging, completely all-knowing and all-wise Father.