Even if my qualifications seem best, I may not be right for the job. I may, in fact, be very, very wrong. It’s my job to determine what belongs to me and what doesn’t.

Figuring Out What Belongs to You

How do I know what belongs to me and what does not? How do I get rid of the things that are not truly my responsibility? Let's start with a simple process of taking inventory. What am I currently taking responsibility for? Look at all the roles you play, then look at all the activities and tasks within each role. For example, I am (in no particular order) a wife, a mother, a sister and daughter, a friend, a Christian, a church member, a writer, a homemaker, a musician, a website manager, a woman, a cook, a gardener, and an entrepreneur. I could probably come up with more if I kept at it a little longer.

Within my role of church member, I have taken on the responsibilities of going to church every Sunday, playing on the worship team each week as well as compiling our worship set, emailing it to the worship team, attending practice each week, participating in ladies' bible studies, fellowship dinners, and occasional "extra" worship times. Yet I still feel guilty when I walk by the table in the foyer and see the Church Cleaning Sign-up Sheet, because my name is nowhere on it. The only way I can keep myself from compulsively taking on the bathroom cleaning for the entire month is by remembering what my responsibilities as a church member already are. Once I mentally review them, I realize that I can take on no more unless I let something go. It isn't that I can't clean bathrooms or am unwilling to; it's that I have already dedicated my time and effort to other activities in the church, and I don't have any additional time to give. That's my line and I dare not cross it.

Get Your Paper and Pen and Get Ready...

Be thorough as you list your roles and your activities within them. Picture yourself walking through your day and jot down everything you take responsibility for. Perhaps you feel guilty about missing dinner with your sister but she didn't tell you the plans until the day of. Why do you feel guilty? Because you feel responsible. Why do you feel responsible? You feel responsible because you are giving yourself credit for being able to control something that is out of your control (your sister's failure to communicate) and you are failing to recognize your sister's responsibility in the situation. She was able to call you about plans, she knew she should have, and yet she didn't. There was nothing taking it out of her control, yet she failed to act. You are not responsible for her failure. You are only responsible for how you respond to her failure.

What Are Your Priorities?

Simply identifying all your roles is rather staggering. Listing all the activities and tasks you take responsibility for within these roles should be enough to give you pause. Look long and hard at your notes. Which roles are of highest priority to me? When I list my roles in order of (ideal) priority, they look like this:

1. Christian

2. Woman

3. Wife

4. Mother

5. Homemaker

6. Sister, Daughter

7. Church member

8. Friend

9. Writer

10. Website Manager

11. Entrepreneur

12. Cook

13. Gardener

When I look at the items I've listed in each area, I see that my priorities are not matching up with my responsibilities. For example, I've taken on far more responsibility as a church member than I have as a sister; some of these may overlap, for example, being in a ladies' bible study is part of my role as a sister and as a friend and as a church member. But overlapping isn't always there. I spend far more time pulling weeds than I do developing my entrepreneurial interests, even though being an entrepreneur is of higher import to me than being a gardener. The areas that have more responsibilities than their priority merits are the first ones you should clean out.

Knowing What to Cut Out

Ask yourself the following questions about each item under such areas:

Does it cause me continual worry and stress, even without a genuine crisis or deadline?

• Is it a source of conflict between me and someone else (often the person who is rightfully responsible)?

• Are my practical skills in the area never quite enough, though they should be sufficient?

• Do I feel compelled to try new methods, techniques, systems, etc., to try to get it all under control? Is it hard to make any of them work for very long?

Do any of those ring true? If you're still unsure about a particular issue, the next question should help. Why am I taking responsibility for this activity/task/issue? If your honest answer to this question is fear or anything related to fear (“if I don't, we'll go bankrupt”), let it be a sign unto you. If fear is your motive in any responsibility you have taken on, then you are the least qualified to handle that responsibility. Fear will not inspire objectivity, creativity, or capability. Fear inspires stress, anxiety, guilt, doubt, criticism, and paranoia. Fear is a powerful motivator, but not a positive one. Mark the responsibilities that are motivated by fear.

Let Go and Move On

The next question should be asked of those issues that 1) require more of you than their priority deserves and 2) are motivated by fear. Limit yourself to responsibilities that meet both criteria. Who is effected by or involved in this issue? Your answer to this question may point you unmistakably toward the person who should be in charge; it may not. Sometimes the best move is to abdicate without naming your successor.

When you have the courage to step away from something that doesn't belong in your hands, you free the space for someone else to step in: someone, perhaps, who is longing for the chance. Don't let a false guilt trap you in a place you don't belong. The real crime isn't failing to do it all; the real crime is keeping others from doing things that will bring them joy and help them grow.

So back off, sister. It's okay. The world will keep turning. You will smile more. You will worry less.