“Worry comes from trying to control anything which I am not equipped nor prepared nor responsible to control: in other words, anything outside of my sphere of responsibility, my “circle of authority.” How often do I step outside this circle and try to drag something back in with me, something that does not fit, something that belongs in someone else’s care?”
The Worry Addiction
We start the moment we wake up in the morning and keep at it until exhaustion finally shuts off our active brain. We continue even in sleep, in our subconscious and our dreams bringing out our worries and tossing them around, sorting them, counting and naming and nurturing them. We must have something to gnaw on, something to worry with, to examine and analyze, to prove or disprove, to criticize or fear or envy. We are compulsive worriers.
Why do we nurture this worry habit? Have you noticed that no matter how quickly one problem is solved we find another one immediately to take its place? We don’t recognize the cycle as a cycle, an addictive cycle, and we honestly believe that “once this mess is taken care of,” everything will be back to normal again. But normal, for most of us, involves perpetual worry because we gain from it a feeling of control. But wouldn’t it be nice to do something besides worry?
Our Co-Dependent Worry Habits
Like what? Hmm. Maybe we have found the basis for the addiction. Maybe most of us don’t know what we would do with all our excess brain power if we let go of our worrying. We are unable to hear a problem (or what we perceive to be a problem) without spending at least two hours in futile brain acrobatics trying to come up with the best solution (or what we perceive to be the best solution). The cause of this addiction is twofold: first, we fail to recognize and honor the sphere of our own responsibility, and second, worry has become our substitute for the positive habits and qualities we have failed to cultivate.
The Response to Too Much
Failing to recognize the sphere of our own responsibility has influenced our culture in two ways: one group of people responds by denying all responsibility for any event, problem, consequence, or circumstance in life. They are tireless victims of every person, place, thing, idea, movement, organization, system, religion, or creed that happens to bump into them in the street. The boss takes advantage of them, the government overlooks them, the man on the street cuts in line in front of them, the whole philosophy of a democratic country is out to get them, the minorities ignore them, the majorities repress them, the church only wants their money, and the guy they rear-ended shouldn’t have braked so fast.
The second group of people responds by taking personal responsibility for much too much. We are the women. We want to reform the boss, vote in a new government, give the man on the street a haircut and a good talking to, make the philosophy more victim-friendly, speak for the minority, quiet the majority, reform the church and clean the church building, and make the car insurance company pay for everyone’s losses. We feel personally responsible for sharing all information that we have, whether it be relevant or not. We ask endless questions of people to keep from feeling that we have not “checked” everything enough. We treat adults like children (because they don’t know any better, but we do), and treat children like adults (so we don’t stifle their creativity or make their psyche claustrophobic).
The Cause of Worry
Worry comes from trying to control anything which I am not equipped nor prepared nor responsible to control: in other words, anything outside of my sphere of responsibility, my “circle of authority.” How often do I step outside this circle and try to drag something back in with me, something that does not fit, something that belongs in someone else’s care? I take on an additional responsibility, I impose all its weight and guilt upon myself, and then I act the martyr.
These self-imposed responsibilities are often things that, practically speaking, I am quite capable of doing. Maybe I have the organizational skills to plan the agenda for the next six meetings, or the accounting skills to handle all our personal bookkeeping, investing, and financial issues, or the social skills to befriend those five new ladies in the group. Maybe I do, but that doesn’t mean I should. Even if my qualifications seem best, I may not be right for the job. I may, in fact, be very, very wrong.
Beginning to Break Free
It’s my job to determine what belongs to me and what doesn’t. All of us want to be Superwoman. All of us are, in certain ways. But we keep stepping on each other’s toes. We measure ourselves by what we assume every other woman is doing. And we worry because it seems like every other woman is getting it all done and somehow, we fall behind.
We need to stop shoveling things into our laps in our effort to feel good about who we are. Stop. Simplify. Look at what really belongs in your hands.