Picture yourself and your spouse on your 50th wedding anniversary. Is it a happy picture? Are you smiling, content? Are you satisfied with what you have put into this fifty-year-long relationship? Are you still best friends? Are you still in love?
Being in love is not a phase for teenagers or newlyweds. In love does not have to end with the honeymoon or the first child or financial woe. Whether or not you are in love tomorrow depends on the choices you make today. Love is not an out-of-control feeling but a structure, built up by action upon action, choice upon choice, or vulnerable and falling apart from abuse, neglect, and apathy. Choose to build your structure well by making these 12 choices.
1. Choose to be a team. No more separate lives, interests, friends, even jobs. View every endeavor as a shared one, even if your part is minimal. Joe puts in 40+ hours a week at his family's business; I put in about 2 or 3 hours a week updating the website from the comfort of home. But when we have a shop meeting, I'm there. When policies change, I want to know. I care. It's "our business."
2. Choose to accept your husband's personality. Oh, how many heartaches could be avoided with a little understanding! Personality types are very simple but most of us know nothing about them, and into this lifelong relationship we go only to be shocked by the fact that this strange creature chooses not be just like me! What could be wrong with him? Well, dear, nothing. The problem is ignorance: not everyone is like you! Save yourself more heartache by getting educated about personalities, and make the choice to love and embrace who your husband is, as he is. Do not try to make him more like yourself. There is a reason different personalities are attracted to each other. They balance each other out. Don't ruin it all by forcing your husband to try to become some twisted, mediocre version of who he is supposed to be.
3. Choose to bite your tongue. Here is a simple test: When faced with the choice of these two cliches, which should you choose? "Silence is Golden," or "Honesty is the Best Policy." If you picked the first, then you've learned a thing or two already. Honesty is best. Don't ever lie to your husband. Not good. But also don't feel like you have to share every single little thought that goes through your head with your husband. "Woman, be silent!" is an admonition we all need sometimes. It is okay to just sit in quietness together. It is not only okay, it is necessary for the sake of a happy marriage, to sit in quietness when you are thinking negative things. To sum it up with an even better cliche, remember what my Mom used to say: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
4. Choose to talk about your husband positively. Now is the time for talking! You're with his family, or your family, or a group of friends. Someone finishes a story, everyone laughs appropriately, and that small silence fills the air as everyone waits for the next topic. Jump in. "Did I tell you all about this new deck Bob just build onto our house?" Or "Did you hear that John's boss said he was the most valuable member of management?" Or "Steve did the sweetest thing the other night..." You know the man. Next time you are en route to a social event, review a few positive stories (feel free to share them with him as you drive; he won't mind) and share them. (Understood in this admonition is its opposite as well: Don't talk about your husband negatively.)
5. Choose to be his best friend. You know about best friends. Best friends talk on the phone, go out, spend time together, have secrets and inside jokes, know embarrassing stories about each other, remember birthdays... well, the female best friends do, anyway! Guy best friends are a little different. They don't go to the bathroom in pairs and they don't paint their nails together. So compromise a little bit. The point is that best friends seek out and enjoy each other's company; they laugh together; they make each other a priority; they know each other.
6. Choose to overcome negative thoughts. You are the only one in charge of what you think. There will inevitably be moments when your husband will disappoint you or hurt your feelings. You're sitting at home wondering why he isn't there yet and the thoughts begin. "He said he would be here. He knows I made a special dinner. He was probably yammering with so-and-so about such-and-such again. He never pays attention. He doesn't care about how hard I try." Blah, blah, blah. This is the time when you must sit up and take charge. The two words you tell yourself are this: "Shut up." That's right. Hush. Cease and desist. Stop speaking those negative thoughts. Stop following that trail of doom. You will turn your husband into a monster before he gets in the door and at that point, he couldn't redeem himself with a thousand flat tires or stranded kittens or floods and fires. You've got to choose another trail. When you start going negative, force yourself (it will be difficult to do, but you can do it) to think positively instead. Like this: "He said he would be here. He knows I made a special dinner. He was probably yamm--- Oh! Ahem. Shut up. Yes. He was probably doing his best to get here as soon as he could and I know we will have a great time together when he gets here. He should have called though but---- OH! Shut up! He will call when he can, because he really is good about calling. He is thoughtful. That was a really nice date night we had last week..."
7. Choose to be together. Life tries to take you in different directions, and you have to make great effort to handle it together especially when most of your waking hours are spent with the two of you in different places. Try to spend the free time you do have with each other. This is not to say you can't spend any time apart, but let that be the exception and not the norm. Drive together, eat together, be with friends together, spend time with the kids together, go shopping together, go to events together. It takes extra effort, and sometimes it takes one of you participating in an activity that may not be so appealing but the companionship and intimacy you will derive from all the togetherness is worth it.
8. Choose to learn about each other. All the time together will give you great opportunities to do this! Don't be passive in those car rides together, idly staring out the window or just filling the space with meaningless chatter. Think about things you don't know about your husband, and ask. Don't be threatening or invasive. If he clams up, then you should back off and try a different approach. But try asking. Try sharing things about yourself that not everybody knows. Make sure your husband is the one who knows more about you than anyone else. Make sure you are the one who knows him best.
9. Choose to serve. Ideally, you serve each other and bear each other's burdens. What about the times when your husband isn't serving you at all? Serve him. Don't keep score. Don't have a minimum standard of what he must do in order to earn your love, affection, help, or service. Don't barter with him. Put on an attitude now of being eager to serve him however you can. No, you don't have to wait on him hand and foot, but you know what? It wouldn't hurt to try that every now and then. We all need to be pampered sometimes, husbands included. Try different ways of serving and watch his face, listen to his voice. You'll catch on to what really delights him, what really makes him feel like a king, and you will have brought joy to the man you love and infected him with a gratitude for what a great wife he has!
10. Choose to change. Note that I did not say "choose to change him." Most women have a great life-improvement plan for their husbands, but the stubborn men just won't stick to it long enough to make a difference. Give up now on that futile effort, and change yourself instead. A relationship is a two-person process, but you can only control yourself. So stop trying to control your husband by criticizing him, manipulating him, pouting, giving him the silent treatment, dropping hints, comparing him to other men, and otherwise belittling who he is before God. He is not perfect, but neither are you. You will have much better success in changing your own habits and character traits, and if you're honest you'll find there is more than enough to occupy you in self-improvement, leaving your husband free to improve himself.
11. Choose to lose your expectations. Most expectations we have are gained unconsciously through our upbringing, family background, and past experiences. When you get irritated with your husband because he doesn't do something, it is probably because you have an unmet expectation that he should do it. The question to ask yourself is why he should do it. Is it a moral obligation that he take out the trash? No. It would be nice, but it is not a matter of right or wrong. Perhaps your dad always took out the trash, thus you expect that your husband should do the same. Well, if he isn't taking it out, then drop the should and accept that your husband doesn't have the same expectations for himself that you do. You can always ask him to do something, but don't glower and grit your teeth and nag and pick and sigh and wonder why he doesn't get it. If you ask, ask pleasantly, as for a favor and not as if you are demanding a right. He will respond much more pleasantly.
12. Choose to have fun. Marriage is a grand and glorious adventure through life with your best friend. Enjoy it! Enjoy the challenges, the changes, the expected and the unexpected. So you don't have money for groceries? Enjoy learning how to cook beans and rice five different ways. You don't get pregnant when you thought you would? Enjoy the time as a couple and the empathy you have toward others who struggle with infertility. You don't get to take that nice vacation? Enjoy exploring the city you live in. You don't have time to go make new friends? Enjoy becoming more introverted, learning something new, writing a book. You don't have time alone? Enjoy becoming more extroverted, being stretched, becoming flexible and free. There will always be pain to deal with, emotions to overcome, hardships to face. Deal with them, acknowledge them, face them, and find a way to overcome them together. Then turn your eyes to the sunny side and dwell on that. What blessings are yours! Enjoy them.
