SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

In Emperor's New Groove, Kronk is, of course, my favorite character. I don't really know how you could have another favorite character.

Kronk has a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon and carries on a few bits of dialogue with them in the movie. At one point, he ends up dismissing them: “Eh, you guys are confusing me, so, uh, begone or whatever it is I have to say.” “That'll do,” they say, and disappear.

Kronk, You, and What's On Your Shoulder

What I'm not going to say here is that if you just listened to the voice of God all the time, you wouldn't have any problems. First, that's far too simplistic, kind of obvious, and also depends on what you mean by problems.

Some fine people who seemed to have it together as far as listening to God's voice continued to encounter what I'd define as problems. Lion's den, anyone?

What I am going to say is that you do deal with voices. Loud ones, quiet ones, all kinds of 'em, all the time. Yours, your past's, your culture's, and everyone else's. Blah, blah, blah. Know how I talk about how we talk too much? I think we do that, sometimes, just to cover us the voices blabbing away in our brains. We don't know how to turn them off, so we talk louder to cover them up. That helps, a bit. But there's a better way.

Get to the One Thing Already

So – big surprise – the one thing holding you back, my friend, is that you're listening to, and then acting upon, the wrong voices. But here's where it gets tricky, because it's not quite as simple as a shoulder angel and a shoulder demon.

Would that it were. And maybe, deep down, it is, but the problem is that on the surface level – the level on which we hear the voices – things get muddled. Sometimes the shoulder demon dresses up like the shoulder angel. Sometimes the shoulder angel sounds, well, stupid. Sometimes it's a regular carnival and everybody's in costume.

Vibes. Get the Good Ones.

The reason we listen to the voices – any of them – is that they appeal to some part of us. But it's subtle. It's manipulative. It's not always easy to identify, and oh-so-easy to justify. Here's a simple way to differentiate:

The good voices move you forward from positive motivation.
The bad voices move you backward, in circles, or not at all from negative motivation.

And right now, let's just go ahead and identify the absolute Queen of all negative motivation, at least as far as women are concerned.

Guilt, the Reigning Potentate of Bad Voices

Guilt is the Queen because she seems so right, so accurate. She'll talk to whatever matters to you. She'll phrase it in such spiritual terms, such self-sacrificial words, that saying no to her will seem like the worst sin ever.

But let me be the one to clarify something for us all right here, right now.

God does not motivate us through guilt. God motivates us through specific conviction (something is wrong in what you're doing, and this is it) and then equally specific encouragement (here is forgiveness, here is how to change). God pulls us onward, forward, by showing us what could be better in specific terms, not what might get worse in vague fear-shaped visions.

Queen Guilt, on the other hand: Vague. Subtle. Manipulative. General. Incessant. Overbearing. Fearful. Anxious. Keeps you running in circles. Keeps you from moving forward. Keeps you from letting go. Offers you no forgiveness. Offers you no hope. Commands you to change but offers you no way to do it.

Annie, 1: Queen Guilt, 0. Ha.

A couple of nights ago I had a list of things that I needed to get done for work.

Now, listen so you know where I'm coming from: I grew up with a stay-at-home Mom. I always thought what I'd be is a stay-at-home Mom. And I am. I'm also, however, a freelance writer. I get to work from home. I do this because, to my surprise, I discovered that I go stir-crazy if I'm not doing something in addition to being a Mommy. That's just me.

On this evening, I had a backlog and we were in between Internet services at home (don't even get me started), which meant that I needed to escape to wifi-land for a few hours. Which meant that I needed to leave my Baby and my babies. At home. On the weekend. Without me.

I didn't have a nice dinner made. I did have a backlog of laundry, a house dirty from our crazy weekend, and a husband who can handle all that stuff, all the kids, and all my paranoias just fine, thank you very much.

But guess what I still felt as I pulled out of the driveway? Yep. Guuuuuilty. No matter that I was going to work, not to have a manicure. Didn't matter. Queen Guilt was on the scene and just chatting me up like her BFF.

And I let it go on, all the way to the parking lot, before I finally realized I wasn't talking to myself. I was being talked to. I was being told what to feel, couched in a whole bunch of vaguely spiritual “good wife-good mom” terms that just punched my buttons.

But that's when I realized this: if God had wanted me to stay at home that night, this is NOT how He would be telling me.

At that point, I punched a few buttons myself, ejected Queen Guilt from the sidecar, went in and got my work done and got back home. End of story, until the next time...

What's Your Next Time?

We've all got hot buttons. You know you do, and chances are those might be areas in which God is calling you to change. But don't confuse the voice of God for the voice of guilt. Guilt will keep you spinning in the same cobwebs. God will set you free.

Remember: it's not a question of which voice is loudest. It's a question of which one you listen to, which one you hear, which one gets your attention. And that part is up to you.

Here's a recap:

Bad voices will appeal to your insecurity, pride, ego, flesh, fear, stress, mistakes, past, comfort, ease, desire for security, need to be right, need to be needed, need to fit in, need to be liked, fear of man, religious sensibilities.
Good voices will appeal to your morals, dreams, courage, humility, understanding, true confidence, sense of adventure, sense of risk, sense of purpose, deeper vision, long-term goals, sacrificial love, wisdom.

Bad voices will be urgent: do it now, do it now, do it now or else.
Good voices will be direct, specific, and consistent: this is the way, walk in it.

Who are you listening to?

Ready? Let's go.

Step 1: Ask a New Question

All those books out there talking about how to improve your life, meet your goals, and be your best self seem to have one thing in common (okay, really, more than one thing but that's not the point here): they all direct you to spend some time thinking about what you really want out of life. You're supposed to list goals and dreams and passions, find out what your purpose is, discover your calling, the thing that makes you tick.

I have a different proposal.

Quit asking, "What do I want?" and start asking, "What do I have?"
What's right in front of you? Gazing at the horizon for opportunities? Try looking a little closer to home.
Wisdom is before him that hath understanding; but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth. Proverbs 17:24

Step 2: Change One Thing

Quick quiz: what's the one way not to change anything? Answer: try to change everything. Lots of people have great intentions and great ideas, but they spread themselves so thin that they can't actually accomplish or change anything.

The few who do change are those who focus deliberately on success in one area at a time. Find one thing you need to change in your life and focus on that one single thing.

Step 3: Work in 3D

The 3 qualities that will make you outstanding in whatever you attempt? Simple. Easy. Anyone could be this way.

• Be diligent.
• Work daily.
• Fight off distraction.

That's it. Really.

Step 4: Start Listening

Empathy is the ability to feel what other people are feeling. You want to be a good wife, a good mom, a good sister, daughter, friend, neighbor, church member. The problem is that all too often we get the needs, demands, requests of others through the filter of our own priorities and emotions. Instead of hearing the actual need, we hear our interpretation, so we then offer the right solution for that interpretation.

Example: Husband is frustrated at work. We think, "Oh, he's just stressed from that fight he had with his boss, he's not letting it out." We offer: "Honey, you want to talk about....?" How often do we miss the real problem because we are busy offering a solution for our interpretation of the problem?

Be different. Be beyond status quo. Start listening to what people say and what they mean. Focus on their words, their emotions, the heart coming through. Open your eyes and ears. You will see the real problem and, God willing, you will be able to offer real help.

Step 5: Beat the Slog

Many, many people have great ideas. Sincere hearts. Motivation. Inspiration. Grand intentions. Good plans.

They even get off to a good start.
They stay consistent with their kids for 1, 2, 3 days at a time.
They quit arguing with their husbands for a week. Maybe even two.
They do great and then... they hit the slog.

First there's the rush. It's fueled by enthusiasm and emotion. You've worked yourself up into an energetic state about something, you're motivated, and you take off running. Then, things don't quite work out. It takes longer. You get tired. You question your motives. You question your plan. You feel like you are wading knee-deep in mud. You are in the slog.

If you keep going through the slog, you will be ahead of 99.9% of the people out there. The slog is where we separate "the ones who really mean it" from "the ones who don't really care." You mean it. I know you do. It's in your heart. You care. Press on, one slow, gloppy step after another. You will get through the slog and you will find yourself further along than you anticipated.

Sharing what you have is more important than what you have. - Albert M Wells Jr.

Have you dropped any of those 10 bad habits yet? You should do that... and then reach ahead....

1. Learn and practice the art of listening.

It's a guaranteed help for your marriage, and it's a great thing to practice in every conversation with every person you encounter. When was the last time you really listened to your kids? Or your Mom? Or that neighbor who always drops in?

2. Start having unplugged time.

Designate a day out of the week or a few hours at night when all computers and cell phones are off and you are simply alive in the world, together. We need - desperately - more time away from constant consumption, information, and digital interaction. We need more time to digest. We need time to breathe. We need time to process. We need time for things to come to the surface. We need less distraction and more depth.

3. Find a role model or an ideal and use that as your basis of comparison.

Role models give us a tangible ideal of life as it could be. Sometimes it's too difficult to just stop comparing. So find someone worth comparing to. If you can't find anyone, sit down and write out your ideal life, vision, world, self, future. Tack it up on the wall.
You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them. -Michael Jordan

4. Start expanding your frame of reference.

• Travel. Get out of town, out of state, out of the country. Don't critique. You're not there to compare and identify all the ways these people do things differently. Go to learn. Go to see new things. Go to get a bigger picture of the world.
• Volunteer. Offer your help at a charity or mission or at your church. Get around people and groups that aren't in your normal orbit. Listen, be courteous, treat everyone with respect. Pay attention. Get the stories.
• Read. Read widely, read often, read well. Feed on books. They nourish your mind and your soul. They expand your world. And they're cheaper than a plane ticket.
• Meet people. Everywhere you go, notice the people around you. Be ready with a smile, a handshake, an introduction. Don't be shy. Reach out. Make conversation. Invite people into your life.
• Get into other cultures. Learn a new cuisine, watch foreign films, go to the Middle East Market, practice Spanish with a friend from Mexico or Guatemala, ask questions, soak it up.

5. Start taking responsibility.

Listen: there are always extenuating circumstances. Nothing is never perfect. This is life on earth. Stop making excuses, start taking responsibility. There is a power and freedom in taking responsibility. You will find yourself stronger, better able to cope, less emotionally driven, less offended, less hurt, less angry, and, definitely, less victimized.

6. Start using my Mom's rule: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

This is the complete and definite opposite of being snarky. This rule will not make you popular in trendy circles. This rule will probably make you the butt of jokes in those same trendy circles. Who cares?

7. Cultivate a real sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself. Laugh at the silly things in life. Laugh when plans change. Laugh at the absurdity of little humans trying to run the world.
A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference... It pardons shortcomings; it consoles failure. It recommends moderation. -Thornton Wilder

8. Get more iron in your life.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17) Seek out people who will tell you the truth and challenge you to be the best version of yourself. Steer away from those who accept mediocrity in their lives. Cut back on relationships that drag you down. If every conversation you have with a friend is gossiping, complaining, or comparing, you are wasting your time and hers. If you are not influencing for the better, you are being influenced. Find people who will influence you toward good.

9. Start assuming the best about yourself, about life, and about every single person you meet.

Assume that they're all interesting, worthwhile, valid, exceptional people with burning purpose and a passion to help and a willingness to serve and something of value to offer. Assume the same about yourself. Assume that every single thing you do makes an impact. Soon it will be true.

10. Start the daily habit of proactive generosity.

Look for ways to give. Offer your help, your expertise, your money, your wisdom, your wit, your time, your home, your hospitality, your food, your insight, your experience, your humility, your hands, your cleaning supplies. Offer what you have. Look for a need you can meet every single day. Meet it. Make it a habit. Make generosity a foundational principle in your life.
Provision for others ia fundamental responsibility of human life. -Woodrow Wilson

What

It's the best thing you can do for your marriage. It's simple. You already know how.
It is the Art of Listening.

Why

• It's a basic (though often lost) courtesy of human interaction.
• Your husband is the most important person in your life. When you invest in him by listening, you invest in your own life.
• You don't know everything about him. He can surprise you. You just need to give him a chance.

What It's Not

1. Nodding, smiling, and saying "Mmmmhmm," and "Sure," and "Yes, of course," while your mind wanders over the 1000 things you haven't accomplished today.
2. Letting your eyes glaze over while he describes some technical/mechanical/sports-related item that you don't understand or care to understand.
3. Having a running internal commentary of snide remarks that you won't let yourself say out loud.
4. Interrupting.
5. Giving him the cues that say, "I'm really too busy for this, could you please hurry it along?"
6. Finishing his sentences.
7. Thinking of what you'll say next when he finally stops talking.

What It Is

• Saying "I want to hear this, but I'm very distracted right now. Could we talk later?" when you are distracted by valid concerns, interruptions, children, etc.
• Following up on that by actually making time to sit down and talk, even if that means staying up later than you like, or skipping the tv show, or not getting to next chapter in your book or blog in your reader.
• Making eye contact.
• Acting like you have all the time in the world, whether you do or not.
• Asking questions.
• Employing the 5-second rule: wait 5 seconds after he finishes talking before you respond. Try it. Really.
• Looking for the real story.
• Leaving your assumptions behind.
• Showing that you are interested in what he says, in what he is interested in, just because of who he is. Even if you hate sports. Even if you don't get how the gears fit together.
• Responding.

Go forth and listen!

1. Stop talking all the time.

Really. We are obsessed with talking about everything: meetings, marriage counseling, phone calls, texting, discussions, emails, chatting, family counsels, therapy.
Some of that's great, some of it is needed, but 87% of the time, the solution is not talk but action. You only need that 13% of talk time to figure out what action to take. From there, talking is just that much more procrastination. [Yes, I made up the 87%. Seems like a good number though.]

2. Stop updating your online life every 20 seconds.

You're distracted, and you're creating a false sense of connection, community, and productivity, and it's adding to the clutter in your life without adding any real value.
Update maybe 3 or 5 times a day (if that) and then spend time in the real world creating real connections, adding to a real community, and doing some things that are really productive. Like maybe counting the times I used the word "really" in that sentence.

3. Stop with the pointless comparison.

In what areas of life do you find yourself continually tripping up, falling, failing? Proverbs tells us that the fear of man brings a snare, and asks "Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?" [Proverbs 27:4].
Those areas where you keep tripping and falling? Look for snare: the fear of man setting a standard that isn't right for you. And look for envy, which is guaranteed to make you fall. You can't stand in the face of it, so get it out of your heart.

4. Stop using your culture and your peer group as your only reference point.

Number #3 will be directly effected for the better. Get a new, bigger frame of reference. Study history. Read about different cultures. Read the Bible. Expand.

5. Stop feeling sorry for people.

Yourself, especially. Pity helps no one. It reinforces the self-defeating cycle of victimization. It enables addictions, narcissism, and poverty of the soul.
It justifies laziness, resentment, and fear. It makes you negative. Offer mercy. Have compassion. But in your mercy and compassion, always see and call people (including yourself, especially) to be their best, to live up to what God has made them to be.

6. Stop being snarky.

Sarcasm is not that great. I know, I know, there's a lot of it here. I'm working on it. Really, I am, because here's the bottom line: it's fun to be clever, and witty, and make people laugh. But at the end of the day, sincerity counts for a lot more than snarkiness.
When people need help, they will not turn to the wit of the group, they will turn to the one who will listen and answer sincerely. I want to help people. Do you? Don't turn them away by putting a witty one-liner at a higher value than someone's feelings.

7. Stop keeping stuff you don't need.

Old clothes. Old relationships. Grasp the "seasonal" concept and apply it to everything. Okay, there are limits! Marriage - keep that. Kids - keep them. Parents - hang on. Siblings - keep them too. Some relationships are meant to last a lifetime, but not all relationships are meant to last, and not all relationships can last at the same level.
If you're a loyal person (I am), it can be extremely difficult to realize this and take action accordingly. However, for the sake of the relationships in your life that do need to last, that do have a level of depth, you need to let go of others.

8. Stop with the feel-good friends.

Find some friends who make you a little nervous, uncomfortable, who ask questions you can't answer, who know more than you do about God, parenting, child-rearing, who challenge you, who inspire you, who call you to be (what was that we said earlier?) your best, to live up to what God has made you to be. Not convinced? Read Proverbs 27: 5, 6, 9.

9. Stop assuming people don't like you, don't get you, or don't care about you.

Sure, maybe for every 100 people you meet there will be 2 who don't get you, 1 who doesn't like you, and 1 who just doesn't care about you. But the other 96? They get you (on some level); they like you; they care about you (to some degree); and they like you.
All that is needed for more getting, liking, and caring is more time, and more of you getting, liking, and caring about them. So don't be paranoid. Risk it. People care, they really do. (P.S. I like you.)

10. Stop protecting yourself, your stuff, and your territory.

If you do just one thing from this list, make it this one. You want a better life? Really? Quit trying to control everything. Quit staking your claim in the world. Quit demanding that things go your way. Quit looking out for yourself.
Quit measuring, quit hoarding, quit defending. Open up. Give. Give more than you think you can. Flex. Go with the flow. Do things your husband's way. Ask your friend for her advice, then take it. Be generous with your whole life.
There is one that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is one that withholdeth more than is needed, but ends up in poverty. The liberal soul shall be made prosperous; and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.Proverbs 11:24-25

The Princess Phase

My daughter, Mara, newly turned 4 years old, is in what you'd call a Princess Phase. It's kind of strange for me; I don't remember the same happening in my childhood, probably because I was in a Cowboys-and-Indians Phase from age 4 to age, uh, 11. I guess that precluded the Princess years, for me. (Does Indian Princess count? I mean, Native American Princess?)
That's why I'm fascinated by her natural Princess tendencies and the way she lets them show. Things like

• Referring to herself as "The Princess," complete with 3rd person pronouns, for long stretches of time. "Look at The Princess twirl, Mommy!" *Twirls. "See? See how she twirls?"
• Wearing her Genuine Cinderella dress for days at a time. Would be weeks if I would let her.
• Pointing out that she looks just like Cinderella when wearing the Genuine Cinderella dress. You can view the Cinderella button for comparison.
• Playing "The Princess Game," which she invented. Here's how you play: the Princesses go into the sunroom and shut the door. The remaining player stands out in the living room and says, "Princesses coming!" at which point, of course, the Princesses parade through. Fanfare optional. Repeat ad infinitum.

Defining Your Own Beauty

A few days ago we walked up to the church for some music, and I was kind of awestruck as I watched her run back down the hill. Two words: beautiful and free. She is as confident and joyful in her beauty as she is confident and joyful in her freedom to be exactly who she is.

Who says a Princess can't wear flip flops?
Who says a Princess can't run like a little deer?
Who says a Princess doesn't do fancy Princess twirls in the grass?
Who says a Princess can't make big muscles?

Her beauty is her own. She defines it, she claims it, she accepts it, and she shares it. No pride, no self-consciousness, no shame, no fear.

Ignoring and Conforming = Not Confidence

Compare that with a typical grown woman's morning routine: It's the "pick out and try on multiple outfits, wriggle around, strut in front of the mirror, grimace, change, repeat, put on make-up, change outfits again, try on shoes, look in the mirror, grimace, grown, do hair, redo mascara, find jewelry, put on another outfit, change shoes, look in mirror, adjust hair, put on earrings, put on perfume, question outfit, put other shoes back on, change earrings, forget the necklace, fix mascara smear, run out the door" dance.
At the end of it, most of us don't feel beautiful and we certainly don't feel free.

The other standard grown woman routine is the "grab a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, rub off the mascara smears from yesterday, whip hair into ponytail, look for matching socks, give up and just find two semi-matching socks, put on tennis shoes, and deliberately avoid the mirror" dance.

At the end of that, beautiful and free are not even part of our vocabulary any more.

What Is Confidence?

Is confidence dressing up, strutting around, working hard to match an image in your mind of how a beautiful woman should look?
Is confidence dressing down, not caring, giving the world a bleary eyed gaze that says "I've got too much going on to deal with how I look"?

We women tend to two extremes:

• We ignore our own beauty, shuffling it up under baggy eyes, stringy hair, outdated clothes. We give up on beauty for a sloppy kind of freedom.
• Or we conform our beauty, stuffing it into the right kind of outfit, the right kind of make-up, the right kind of hair style. We give up on freedom for a conformed kind of beauty.

We lose either beauty or freedom in each case, sometimes both. When was the last time you felt beautiful? When was the last time you felt free? When was the last time you felt both at the same moment?

Confidence is the soul-deep ability to acknowledge your own beauty and stand in your own freedom. At the same time. It's not one or the other. It's not a mediocre version of either.

Reclaiming Confidence

What do we need to do to reclaim confidence?

I've never been the Princess type; getting on a fancy dress and matching jewelry would make me feel more uncomfortable than beautiful or free. A particular kind of beauty is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about something deeper. I'm talking about being a t-shirt-and-jeans girl if that's who you really are, but not hiding out in a t-shirt and jeans because you're afraid to let that shiny, sparkly, dressy girl be herself.

Confidence is defining your own beauty, claiming it, accepting it, and sharing it.

Here's what I recommend:

1. Read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. Here's a review, or here's the book on Amazon. Actually, I have a review copy, so maybe I'll find that and give it away.
2. Clean out your closet. I'm not a fashion expert, nor a closet organization expert, but I can tell you two simple things that will help. First, throw out anything that doesn't fit well and feel good. Second, get rid of anything that makes you feel less than beautiful. I'm serious. I'm not saying you have to be formal. I'm saying throw out the huge, baggy, grungy t-shirt and keep the sleek one that fits and feels nice. Throw out the old baggy jeans and keep the pair that make your butt look good. Throw out the dress that looks like something your Grandma would wear and keep the happy springy sun dress that makes you feel like a teenager.
3. Clean out the clutter in your house. Clutter is dead weight in the space that is the heart of your existence. The prettiest stuff gets ugly when it is clutter. Box it up, ship it out, give it away, make someone's day. There are plenty of charities and poor folks around who could use your excess. Physical clutter in your home creates an environment that is the opposite of beautiful and free. Not what you're going for. Go here, here, or here for more help on getting rid of clutter.
4. Clean out the comparing. Read more about that right here, here, and here.
5. Build up the things in your life that add real confidence. Over the next week, I challenge you to keep a little log of your days, the events and activities and people and chores and so on. Take five minutes at the end of each day to figure out what made you feel more confident and what tore your confidence down. Of course there are limits and qualifiers here; attitude, emotions, hormones, etc. And you can't get rid of your husband, say, if you had an argument and he made you feel inadequate. But you can look at what caused the argument and find wisdom there. And you can cut out a lot of things in your life - trips to the mall, lunch dates with that friend who only gossips, playdates with that Mom who has nothing in common with you, obligatory social events, too many school functions, nagging your kids, ignoring your husband. Those things cut down your confidence because they don't line up with the person you really are. Cut that stuff out. It's your life. Live it to your best.

We had a small unnerving crisis last weekend. I say small, because I know that in the whole big scheme of life, the universe, and everything, our crisis matters not a teensy bit. But in my small pond, it was a big unnerving splash.

Joe's salary is base + bonus on the hours he makes. So his paycheck fluctuates. It's a very fair set-up, but sometimes we think we know what we're going to make in a pay period and... we're wrong.

So that happened. Friday.

Then Joe's iPhone broke. Friday night.

Then we discovered that our mortgage payment had gone up. By $200. In my financial world there is not $200 of wiggle room for the random upping of the mortgage payment. (No, just in case you're concerned, we're not on an ARM; they just recalculated our escrow and we have to bring our escrow balance up in time for tax payment.)

The good news of our weekend was that Joe's iPhone is still covered by warranty (29 days left) so they fixed it for free. Sigh of relief.

All weekend long my brain sounded like this ohmygodohmygodohmygodohDear God I'm sorry, I need to trust you, I know I do, I'm sorry, help me to trust You, it's just that ohmygodohmygod Okay I did it again, I'm sorry I'm really trying.... Ad infinitum.

Monday night, Joe's on his way home, and I'm scrounging around, depressed by the fact that my pantry and freezer are so close to empty and I have no grocery money. I'm feeling sorry for myself, and resentful, and all I can think of is all the people I know who seem to be making it just fine and what do they know that we don't know? and why is this so difficult for us? and aren't we working as hard as we can? and what else can we do? and it just isn't fair. And other purposeless phrases. I find a package of sausage and throw it in the sink to thaw, figuring that pancakes and eggs (one of my favorite meals anytime, anywhere) and sausage will be just the thing.

Joe gets home and we give each other that looks that says ohmygodohmygodohmygod - yeah I know, me too - ohmygodohmygod as he is engulfed by children. Happy children. Happy children who do not understand why they need to make this pack of Pull-ups last as long as possible.

We finally get dinner made and kids seated and plates served, and we're sitting around the table eating pancakes and Joe's explaining to the kids why we have to give them spankings when they are foolish, because we do not want them to grow up to be foolish people who are always unhappy and cannot serve God. Robbie, my little handsome not-yet-three-year-old, forks his last bite of pancake and waves it mid-air to emphasize his words: "I am being wise." He shoves the pancake in his mouth and nods. "Foolish vewwy bad."

And I look at him and my eyes get all watery and I think this is it.

A little while later, I am doing dishes and Joe has taken the kids outside so I have a little space in which to do dishes. I can see them all from the kitchen window. I'm standing at the sink, scrubbing plastic Lion King plates and wiping drops of syrup, and outside I see my handsome husband balancing three chattering children on the hammock with him. He looks up and gives me the "I Love You" sign.

And I look at him and my eyes get all watery and I think this is it.

This is it. This is what matters.

I pause my scrubbing for a minute to look up. Okay, God, I say. I'm sorry. I'm done. You're in charge. I'm not.

No more ohmygodohmygod but O God, how great is Thy goodness, which Thou has laid up for them that fear thee; which Thou hast wrought for them that trust in Thee before the songs of men!

What matters in your life today?

I want to be an individual, just like all my friends!

1. You assume everything is going to be okay.

Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever and a crown is not secure for all generations. Proverbs 27:23-24

"We don't acknowledge the truth that things aren't always going to be okay. Instead, we drift along with this mentality of inevitable triumph, regardless of the signs telling us otherwise. And we reinforce this (false) idea in each other."

And what happens when we simply parrot the same false sense of security back and forth to each other?

• We put our trust in things that aren't trustworthy.
• We feel victimized when bad things happen.
• We don't change the things we could change because we've forgotten about personal responsibility.

Acknowledging that everything is not going to be okay doesn't mean preaching doom and gloom. It means staring reality straight in the face, understanding that life is tough, and then finding true riches, peace, and freedom in spite of the bad things.

2. You put comfort and convenience over true value.

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.” -C.S. Lewis

We're all mostly confused about what's really valuable. We tend to strain after things that don't matter - new playstation, more food, better car, bigger house, bigger paycheck, latest phone - because they add comfort and convenience to our life. And we like to be comfortable. Mmmm, it feels good. Comfort's not bad, at all. I am thankful for indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and my favorite pair of jeans. But comfort is not a measure of true value.

Neither is convenience. But how many decisions do we make based on proximity ("I'll date him because he's always around.") or ease ("I'll take this job because I know I can do it.") rather than actual worth? I suggest we all pull out our old Gold's Gym t-shirts and bring the "No Pain, No Gain" motto back to life. Some good things come easy. Some worthwhile things are comfortable. But the comfort and convenience are bonus points; if you measure value by those factors, you'll end up with a cheap, useless, unsatisfying life.

3. You replace creating with accumulating.

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheaply, we esteem too lightly; 'tis dearness only that gives everything its value." -Thomas Paine

An industry that simply didn't exist say, oh, 50 years ago is this one, which includes clutter management, time management, professional organization consultations, and a myriad of supporting products.

In a free market economy like the one we have, [please no economic tirades, I'm simply generalizing] supply and demand determine success or failure. If there were no demand for the services of decluttering professionals, there would be a teensy supply of them. But there are lots. On the other hand, when was the last time you saw a shoe repair shop? There are still a few around. But not many.

Consider this (obvious) correlation: as our need to find repair services for quality products goes down, our need to find professional decluttering help goes up. Why? We buy more disposable products, they break, and we can't use them anymore. So we buy a new disposable product but, too often, we don't get rid of the old, broken one. We simply keep accumulating.

We don't make, we shop. We don't use, we hoard. We don't create, we accumulate. It's an expensive inversion of our natural desire to have what we need. Instead of the excess of accumulation, though, we need to disconnect from the shopping culture enough to quit accumulating so much culture. Then we'll know what we have, so we can use it when we need it and get rid of it if we don't.

4. You let others define your values.

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. -Thomas Jefferson

A value is "an ideal accepted by some individual or group" ( WordNet) and "is a foundation upon which other values and measures of integrity are based" ( Wikipedia).

Defining your own values means thinking through your core beliefs, setting aside the false standards of comparison, and deciding for yourself what matters, what doesn't, and why. The end result of defining your own values is the ability to be happy.

Marci at Overcoming Busy talked about this quality in her grandmothers: "My grandmothers lived the life they had been given – and they did it very well. I never heard them complain about the endless laundry or cooking. I remember my Grandma J smiling as she hung loads of clothes out on the line and humming as she ironed."

That's the key. Marci's grandmothers weren't busy comparing their lives, desires, and abilities with Neighbor Jones or Little Bessie Mae who ran off to New York City. They made their own choices, defined their own values, and then got to live in the peace of that independence, doing their daily work with joy instead of envy, resentment, or disillusionment. It's pretty hard to be happy about your own life when you've defined your values by someone else's system.

5. You judge by the lowest common denominator.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.” -Mahatma Gandhi

If you drop just one of these follow-the-crowd habits, make it this one: that evil, self-defeating habit of looking around, finding the worst example of what you could be, and then thinking, "Hmmmm, well I'm doing better than that so I must be okay."

Stick with that habit if you want a guaranteed unremarkable life. But if you want to do anything more than run in the middle of the pack, you need to quit settling for the being the least you can be and start quoting the Army motto to yourself. [No, not the "army of one" motto. What does that even mean?]

Be all that you can be. Not all that your friend, cousin, sister, neighbor is (or isn't) choosing to be. Not the lowest level possible. Quit basing your standards on the crummiest example you can find, just so you can feel like you're doing a good job. Go get some fatigues and live up to your own internal standards. Then maybe you'll start raising the lowest common denominator and we'll all start being a little bit more.

How are you going to quit following the crowd today?

• I'm going to acknowledge okay is not a given and personal responsibility matters.
• I'm going to quit using comfort and convenience as the measure of what I truly value.
• I'm going to do less accumulating and more creating.
• I'm going to define my own values and live my own life.
• I'm going to stretch myself to be more than what I see around me.

Image courtesy of Scott Ableman.

The first step is admitting you have a problem. And this is your problem. You have an assumption. A basic, unconscious assumption about life:

Everything is going to be okay.

Not to rain on your parade, but, well, your definition of okay and the reality of what actually happens in your life are not going to line up.
Bad things will happen to you. Sometimes because of you, sometimes because of other people, sometimes just because. No good reason that you can see.

We don't acknowledge the truth that things aren't always going to be okay. Instead, we drift along with this mentality of inevitable triumph, regardless of the signs telling us otherwise. And we reinforce this (false) idea in each other.

• "Don't worry, everything will work out."
• "You'll figure it out."
• "Things will get better."

There is, however, no guarantee of things working out or getting better or even not getting worse. When you assume that no matter what, it's all gonna be okay in the end, you remove personal responsibility from the picture. You also remove reality from the picture.

Drop the Okay Lie

The Okay lie: You assume your kids are going to turn out okay... so you don't take your job as a parent seriously, you let things slide, you don't deal with bad attitudes when they first appear. The result: your kids end up rebellious, unhappy, and lost and you shake your head and wonder how that happened.

The Okay lie: You assume that if you work hard and don't mess up too bad, you'll end up with a good career and stable finances.... so you don't pay attention to economic problems, industry lay-offs, small business closings, cutbacks, or even the great opportunities (involving risk) that come along. You don't take charge of your own career/money in a proactive way. The result: you become a victim of economic shifts and don't know what hit you until you're 6 months into unemployment.

The Okay lie: [here's one from my personal experience] You assume that your cancer-stricken Mom will make it. She'll fight it off, the chemo will work, she'll get better, and she'll be there in your life the way you expect, and God won't let her die yet. Life is a right, after all, and God owes us this much. Right? The result: When you lose something that matters this much, you can't avoid being shaken. But if your core belief is "I deserve an okay life and God better work it out," then the not-okay stuff will shake you through the center and put your very faith in God into question. I spent a year not sure if I wanted to believe in God again. I finally came to this conclusion (basic, I know, but it took me a while): Life is a gift, not a right. The good things that we receive are blessings, privileges, not automatic rights that we can demand.

Rights vs. Gifts

It goes against Western culture to talk about our inalienable rights not being rights. But the concept is bigger than government-for-the-people; it's more about created-and-Creator.

"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Does your work say, 'He has no hands'? Woe to him who says to his father, 'What have you begotten?' or to his mother, 'What have you brought to birth?'
Isaiah 45: 9-10

Now, here's the good news.

You can't (and shouldn't) walk around expecting Death to drop on your head at any moment. You can't live in fear (well, you can, but it won't be much of a life).
But when you drop the everything is going to be okay just because belief system, you can handle what does happen much better. Pretty quickly, you'll see that 99% of life falls into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Stuff you can control
2. Stuff you can't control

For the first category, losing the Okay Lie means you start taking responsibility for what you can control (how you parent, what you do with your money) and doing your best at it. Guaranteed better results with that approach, no matter what the area is.

Riches, Peace, and Freedom

For the second category, losing the Okay Lie means two things:

First, you start receiving every good day, every good things as a gift, a blessing, a privilege. You are thankful. You are grateful. You see how rich your life is, already. [Guess how thankful I am for good health. And for the fact that I have my Dad and sister. And for a mother-in-law and a stepmom who are such loving grandmoms to my kids.]
Second, you start trusting God the way He should be trusted, as Creator, not as giant-Santa-in-the-sky. And with that trust comes peace and freedom. Peace: I don't have to fight the inevitable truth that I will experience pain. I just have to remember to come to God with my pain. Freedom: I don't have to be in control of the things that I can't control. It's beyond my ability to guarantee a good life for myself and the ones I love. I am free to live, do my best, and trust God with whatever else happens.

Everything is not going to be okay. But that's okay.