SISTER WISDOM : build a better life

I'm always there. I'm overseeing every moment of their little lives. Even on bad hair days.

They may not know it, but
I'm always close, watching, listening, protecting. Why? Right now, it's about guiding and training their behavior, protecting them from any sort of abuse, and guarding their little hearts from fear, insecurity, confusion.
That means I don't just blithely send them off to whatever activity or childcare is offered. My default is that they stay with me. I want to know what's going on with them, what they're experiencing. I have to be there to know that.

I choose very carefully the people who take care of them when I need a sitter - it's grandparents or Aunties or, very rarely, a single gal I know and trust who has a great track record with us. I have a few other standbys - married women who are raising/have raised kids in the same kind of protecting, nurturing way - but every there I'm careful, prayerful. Paranoid? Maybe, but I don't think so. These children - my children - are innocent little travelers in a big, rough world.

They'll grow up and be capable of handling it, but that's not for a while yet. Right now their hearts and minds are so tender, impressionable. A scary cartoon has a big effect. If I let them loose into a world of confusing, conflicting adult standards, the number of negative experiences would increase 1000%. Not all would be really bad. A kid doesn't have to be abused to become hurt, scared, and unsure about right and wrong.
I want my children to grow up to be adults who know right and wrong as absolutes and who have a positive, optimistic outlook. Differing standards and negative experiences undermine those two goals. No, I can't control everything. I'm not saying I always say no, or that I never let them out to learn and interact. I am saying this, though: I'm there.

I'm there to see what happens, to explain, to shield, to provide security and reason even when things are difficult. I tell my kids the truth. When our dog died, I told them. When they asked if Gigi (my step Mom) was my Mommy, I explained: No, my Mommy died. (Their answer: Like our doggie died? Yes, kids, death is death.)
They live in this fallen world too and they can't be shielded from all pain, nor should they be. But I'm in charge of their pain management. Joe and I are the interpreters of the world for them. When big scary things happen, we are there to put it in context for them. And you don't know what a big scary thing is to them unless you're there.

So. Unless one of my tried-and-true, trusted sitters is available, our kids stay with me. And even when the sitters are available, most of the time our kids stay with me. I love them. I want them with me. I want to be there. We leave them maybe twice a month for a date night out. Other times we have date night in (better dress code...).
I pass on most Mommy's Day Out, drop and shop, etc programs where there are way too many factors out of my control. Every week or two, when I get claustrophobic and need time to be me-sans-Mommyness, Joe keeps the kids at home and I go out for a couple of hours.

For classes and fun stuff like dance or gym or sports that I want them to be part of (and there aren't many), I make sure 1) it's a group deal with 2+ adults there at all times and 2) I stay and watch to see how things go for a while before I leave, IF I leave and 3) I'm always early for pickup time, to see how things wrap up and to be sure my child isn't left alone unsupervised or uncertain about what's net. I avoid situations that I can't predict with accuracy when it comes to leaving my children.

That's the place I've come to with my kids. They are very young right now, and as they grow we will have a bit more freedom. But I come back to this truth: these little people are given to me as a trust. No one else has the heart and instinct and mind to mother my children, because God gave that to me. I'm their Mom, and these days of intensive mothering are few and swiftly passing. I want to make the most of them.

(Poor kids. This means they're definitely going to end up weird like me. Mwahahaha.)

What do you think? How do you handle the endless opportunities for outings? What are you standards? How do you fit in alone time?

This post is part of the 30-Minute Blogging Challenge at SteadyMom.

Hey, you can even have a better salad for breakfast during your better morning.

I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly.  Tunafish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock. ~Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

Smart Moves for Morning

1. Get into a breakfast routine. It's okay to eat the same thing every day for breakfast, and it will help you be prepared and be sure you're eating something. Switch out week to week if you get bored.
2. Do some prep the night before: get the coffee ready to go, put out breakfast plates, go ahead and unload the dishwasher so it's not waiting for you.
3. Come in to a clean kitchen. At the minimum: put away food, wipe down counters, and put dirty dishes into hot, soapy water to soak. A step above: wash the dishes or load in the dishwasher. Leave only the dirtiest pots/pans soaking overnight.
4. Pack any to-go lunches the night before when you're putting food away. You're in the kitchen already; just get a lunch-sized Tupperware, plop in the leftovers, and put it in a lunch bag along with an apple, side salad, or baggie of carrots.
5. What you eat for breakfast doesn't have to be "traditional" according to American standards. Try something different: a boiled egg instead of scrambled, chicken salad in a pita, a grilled cheese sandwich, a cup of broth, fresh fruit salad, peanut butter on whole wheat crackers.

Save Time and Money

• Teach your kids to set the table and clear the table. Even very young children can set out place mats, napkins, and silverware. A 3 year old can learn to carefully carry her plate and scrape the scraps off of it, then set it on the counter. A 2 year old can take cloth napkins to the laundry room. Use the help you have!
• Simplify lunches at home for the kids. You don't need an elaborate spread. Leftovers always work. A sliced apple, a couple of pieces of cheese, and a few crackers make my kids happy. Or try a simple bagel sandwich, leftover veggies and a helping of cottage cheese, boiled eggs and fresh fruit.
• Always figure out dinner before lunch time. That way you have time to thaw meat, ransack the pantry, borrow a cup of sugar, whatever you need to do to get it ready without a freak-out at 5 p.m. And if you need hubby to pick something up on his way home, you can let him know sooner in the day; he can get it on his lunch break if he wants to and avoid the end-of-day rush at the store.
• Buy spices at the local Asian or Indian market. Curry, cumin, cinnamon, cardamom, and lots of others: good quality, low price.
• Don't buy vegetables and fruit you don't like unless you have a specific recipe to try with them. It's a waste to purchase food and let it rot, so go with the stuff you know you enjoy. When you find a recipe that looks appealing with a "new" food in it, try it along with other stuff you know you like. Give yourself a few times of trying before you decide if you like it or not. Familiarity is a powerful part of how we react to food.

Make a Better Salad

Copy the prepackaged salad concept - the ones with lettuce already washed, a little bag of toppings and a little bag of dresing - with your own salad ingredients.

• Wash, dry, and package your lettuce (see here for ideas on best ways to keep it fresh).
• Wash and chop your veggies; sort out your toppings into zip bags
• Make a batch of your favorite home-made dressing for the week.

When you want a salad, just...

• dump the lettuce in a bowl
• tear into pieces
• throw on some veggies
• add the toppings of choice
• and dress.

For a lunch bag, put the lettuce and veggies in a container, then add the bag of toppings and a small container of dressing on the side.

Try these topping/dressing combinations:

• dried cranberries, sunflower seeds, raspberry vinaigrette
• peanuts, shaved coconut,  diced cilantro, Asian lime dressing
• pecans, fresh blueberries, poppyseed dressing
• walnuts, dried apricots, fresh pear slices, poppyseed dressing
• garlic croutons, red pepper flakes, Italian or roasted garlic dressing
• sundried tomatoes, bacon bits, ranch dressing

Give it some heft with one of these babies:

• boiled eggs
• grilled chicken
• broiled fish (tilapia is awesome)
• tuna
• cheese
• beans

Remember that herbs add the zippydidooda. Keep fresh cilantro, parsley, basil, whatever your fave is: throw some chopped in with your lettuce or minced in with your dressing. Yum.

30-Minute Meals

Shrimp Stirfry and Rice. Make 4 cups of rice according to package directions; meanwhile, chop an onion, a bell pepper, and a head of broccoli; saute in oil until crisp-tender; throw in a package of frozen snow peas and some peeled shrimp; cook; season with garlic, pepper, soy or teriyaki. Serve veg-shrimp over rice.

Pasta with Tomato Cream Sauce. Cook pasta according to package directions; meanwhile, mince 4 cloves of garlic; heat olive oil in a large saute pan; add the garlic, cook till fragrant; add a 10 ounce can of tomato paste, 2 cups of water, and 1/2 cup of cream. Whisk together; season with salt, pepper, basil, oregano. Serve sauce over pasta.

Sausage Potato Soup. Peel 4 large potatoes, chop, and add to a pot of boiling water; let cook just under a boil for 20 minutes; meanwhile, slice a pound of kielbasa or smoked sausage into pieces. Drain the potatoes, reserving 2 cups of water; return potatoes and water to pot, add sausage and a can of creamed corn. Heat through, add a cup of milk, and season with salt and lots of pepper.

Ranch Burger Soup. Cook a pound of ground beef; drain off grease. Add beef to large pot; pour in 1 quart of chicken or vegetable broth and add whole kernel corn, cooked navy or kidney beans, diced tomatoes (fresh or canned, undrained), and a packet of Ranch seasoning. Add more water if you want it soupier. Cook until heated through. Serve over corn chips, top with grated cheddar.

This Week's Menu

I'm linked up with OrgJunkie's Menu Plan Monday; you should be, too!

• Winter Squash Soup, Deviled Eggs
• " Real Food" Hamburger Helper, Salad
• Cheesy Chicken Quesadillas with Homemade Tortillas
• Creamy Cajun Pasta, Salad
• Broiled Tilapia, Dilled Potato Salad, Sauteed Kale

Image courtesy of Zoha N.

The other stuff is icing; this is the cake.

R E S P E C T – Find Out What It Means

If you get one thing right in your marriage, make it this.

“...and let the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33

We know the word as respect, but I think our dumbed-down version of respect doesn't quite catch it. What does reverence really mean? The Greek root word is the same used for fear and awe; it means to “venerate, to treat with deference or reverential obedience.” To show reverence is a serious thing (which means that to not show reverence where it is due is an equally serious thing).

The Amplified Bible gives us some synonyms: the wife who reverences her husband “notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him, defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly.”

A One-Sided Story

Now go ahead and give me the reasons why you shouldn't have to show reverence to your husband. I'll wait.

Done?

Okay. Here's the answer.

The Lord who loves you and saves you is the same one who commands you to show reverence to your husband. Your husband may not deserve it; certainly he won't “deserve” it all the time, fallible and fallen creature that he is. The command still stands, and the tense is present continual: you are to be continually showing reverence to your husband.

It seems kind of one-sided, especially if you're married to a man who isn't doing his part to love you, his wife. But hold on. God is smarter than we think.

This Sounds Like Fun

Assuming you are a Christian, and assuming you wish to follow the Bible, you're now looking at a certain obligation to change some of your ways. Most of us probably don't intend to disrespect our husbands, but we aren't really familiar with what true reverence looks like.

What Reverence Is NOT

Myths of the “oh-so-reverent” wife:

• She wears a head covering at all times.
• She wears skirts and dresses, too, all the time.
• She never says no to her husband.
• She doesn't speak unless spoken too.
• She has no opinions.
• She can't think for herself.
• She is completely stifled.
• She never goes out of the house.

What Reverence IS

Habits of the reverent wife:

• She listens to her husband without interrupting.
• She protects his reputation (doesn't talk bad about her husband).
• She esteems his position (she doesn't make fun of her husband).
• She asks questions in a gentle tone.
• She gives her opinions without sarcasm, criticism, whining, or demanding.
• She makes his priorities her priorities.
• She is open and honest with her husband.
• She is aware of her husband's preferences and tries to accommodate them.
• She accepts his decisions.
• She acknowledges him as head of the house.
• She takes care of herself as a queenly figure should; she isn't mousy and resentful.

What Does That Look Like?

Every time God has brought this little matter of reverence to my attention (and there have been many times), I've always answered back with a little whiny voice, “But what does that even look like? I have no idea how that looks in real life!” That was my excuse: I just don't know how.

But really, I do. God never gives us a command we're not capable of carrying out. Let me give you a picture of me and Joe when I'm not showing respect, and me and Joe when I have a heart of reverence.

Me and Joe: Where Is Da Love, Baby?

It's been a long day. It's just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I've been doing housework all day and trying to write in between kid-catastrophes.

All day I've run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.

My brain is talking like this:

Why can't he put his dirty socks in the laundry basket? It's right there!

Sheesh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He is so forgetful! Hope he doesn't need his wallet, because I'm not interrupting my day to take it all the way to work just because he couldn't remember it.

Oh, I've got to call that guy for Joe. Why do I have to do that? I am way behind and I have so much to do already.

These bills! He hasn't paid these yet! What if they're overdue? I guess I better remind him. It would be easier if I could just take care of the finances...

Ow, my shin! Good grief, why are these even here? He couldn't move these? They're way too big for me; he knows that. Why doesn't he clean up this mess?

When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few cranky kids being entertained by a mindless movie. He finds me in the kitchen making dinner. I stop and say hello, give him a little kiss, and immediately complain about my day, remind him of the bills, joke about his wallet that he forgot, and tell him how tired I am, hinting around that I've been working so hard and I could really use a break.

I see his shoulders droop but he bears up, smiles, and offers to take over for a while. I retreat to the bedroom, wondering why I don't feel better about getting a few minutes of silence.

Me and Joe: Happy Wife, Happy Life

It's been a long day. It's just before dinner and the kids are hitting the whiny, cranky stage. I'm tempted to just plop them in front of a movie and not deal with them, but I think about what Joe said. We talked last night about some behavior issues I'm having with the kids, and he gave me some ideas. I call the kids over, have a little talk, and put them to work with me, correcting them the way Joe suggested. I smile to myself; it's working! I can't wait to tell him.

All day long, I've run across reminders of my husband: I pick up his dirty socks, I find his belt and wallet that he forgot, I have to make a phone call for him, I need to remind him of some bills to pay, and I keep tripping over the 2x4s he left in the hallway after building me a shelf.

My brain is talking like this:

His dirty socks are always over here, but the laundry basket is way over there. Maybe if I move it we can get the two together. There. Wow, that really looks a lot better too.

Oh, he forgot his belt and wallet. He was in such a rush this morning because he fed Zeke and then got the fire going for me, it really put him behind. I'd better call and see if he's going to need his wallet. I could run it out there and take the kids for a treat.

I better stop and call that guy for Joe. I forgot it yesterday, and I know it's important to get this taken care of, and Joe doesn't have time at work.

Oh, no, these bills need to be paid. Maybe I could set these up on auto-pay so it won't be a problem. I'll ask Joe about that. I'm so glad he is handling all the bill-paying because it really stresses me out.

Ow, I hit my shin on that 2x4 again. Maybe I can wrangle these out to the garage. This shelf Joe built is perfect, it really gets it organized in here. I know he wanted to go snowboarding this weekend but he stayed home and built this for me instead. That man is awesome.

When Joe gets home at the end of the day, he finds a few happy kids helping their happy Mommy in the kitchen. The table is set and the whole house smells like roast and mashed potatoes, one of Joe's favorites. I set the kids up with a short movie and Joe and I retreat to the bedroom for a little chill time before dinner. He gives me a great big hug and asks about my day, smiles when I mention the bills and says he already paid them online. Then he throws his socks into the laundry basket.

5-Minute Marriage Check

I repeat: reverence is not about bowing down, kissing feet, and being a mousy, opinion-less woman-slave. It is about showing respect to your husband as a person and as the leader of the family.

Reverence is a change in attitude that results in changed behavior.

For today's marriage check, just observe.

• Observe the conversations you have with your husband: how many times do you correct him, tell him what to do, or make a snide remark?
• Observe yourself in action: how many times do you sigh in exasperation, redo something he's done, raise your eyebrows at him, purse your lips at him (and not in a kissable way), roll your eyes, or ignore him?

Those ways of speaking and acting that communicate disrespect are tearing down your marriage.

A wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down herself.

Are you being wise or foolish?

5-Minute Action Point

From your observations, choose one way of speaking and one way of acting that communicate disrespect. Your job is to change those habits into speech and action that communicate the deep respect, the reverence, that God commands you to have for your husband.

Here are a few examples:

• Stop interrupting him and finishing his sentences; start making eye contact while you listen and waiting until he finishes to respond.
• Stop telling him what you want him to do; start asking him about his plans instead. (“What do you want to do tonight? What are your plans for the evening? What do you need help with? What do you want to work on?”)
• Stop rolling your eyes and redoing his efforts to help; start thanking him with sincerity for what he does and letting go of your need for things to be done your way.

Reverencing your husband is a sure way to show him your unconditional love and acceptance.

Image courtesy of yomi955.

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This post is Day 8 of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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We have made it through week 1.

So - what did we learn? Did we learn anything? I learned this very important truth: as soon as I start a focused writing project about marriage, I do the MOST STUPID stupid-wife stuff possible. Like whine, and nag, and give the silent treatment, and get mad at nothing, and take offense over things I know he didn't mean that way, and not make time, and not pay attention, and get distracted, and upset, and say things like, "Hi honey welcome home i hope you have a good day i haven't made dinner because i'm too busy writing this marriage stuff and i don't have time to talk right now the kids are screaming could you get them thanks love you okay don't talk to me i'm in the middle of a sentence bye."

Beautiful. Obviously I've got this marriage thing down pat.

Let's Review

• We don't mean to end up hurt, apathetic, lonely, or separated in our marriages... but it happens when we don't pay attention.
• We don't have to settle for a marriage that is mediocre.  {from Day 1}
• Expectations are deadly little beasts.
• A demanding spirit can never be content. {from Day 2}
• Men shouldn't joke about their wives earlobes (or something like that...)
• Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it. {from Day 3}
• You can only change yourself. {from Day 4}
• Friction isn't always a bad thing.
• I LOVE quality time. {from Day 5}
• People are stupid...
• ...but we still shouldn't try to control them. {from Day 6}
• Normal changes. {from Day 7}

So what's working in your marriage? Have you made any changes? What are you working on?

Culture-speak and God-speak

are rarely the same thing.

Define Normal For Me

A couple of thousand years ago, sharing your husband with a concubine wasn't a big deal.

A few hundred years ago, having no legal rights except those granted by your husband was just the way things were.

Arranged marriages are normal, somewhere. Walking five feet behind your husband out of respect is normal, somewhere. Covering your hair and face to keep yourself modest for your husband is normal, somewhere. Working side-by-side with your husband to till up and plant a field by hand is normal, somewhere.

Culture Speaks, We Listen

Our culture defines normal for us and we let it. There's no inherent problem with that; customs and traditions are part of culture, and they change with time. There is a problem, though, when our culture defines as normal something that God defines as irregular. And then we get the reverse as well: God tells us the way things should be, and our culture says, "No way; that is weird, fanatical, strange, stifling, out-dated, stupid."

Weird Is the New Normal

We hang on to the obvious stuff. Don't commit adultery; that's pretty clear, and we stand our ground on that. But so many other little ways of thinking become part of our mentality and we don't even stop to question their rightness. We receive and receive and receive these cultural messages and we are influenced by them.

• Men are stupid.

The sitcom stereotype of the bumbling husband and the witty, has-it-together wife inundate us with this message: men are really stupid, overgrown little boys and it's best for everybody if we don't leave them in charge.

• Talking solves everything.

There's nothing we love more than a good talk session. We have a problem, we give it an official name and then get therapy for it. Sometimes therapy is needed, don't get me wrong. But sometimes talking is just talking. Sometimes what is needed is a change in how we think and how we act, and words can't do that.

• Love is something you fall in and out of.

Love is a mystical, miracle, destined, hand-of-fate warm-fuzzy experience that may or may not happen to you, may or may not happen at the right time, in the right way, with the right person. And it may come and go. And there's really nothing you can do about it. Except that's not true. Love is something you choose to do, a way you choose to act.

• Sex is a tool.

Our culture has twisted sex into something grotesque. We are told to be sexy in order to attract a man, then we're told to use sex to get what we want from that man, then we're told to make fun of how much that man wants sex. No wonder so many of us struggle with sex in the Christian marriage. The only information many of us got was the world's version, and we're not sure what God thinks about the whole thing.

• Marriage is a partnership.

Tricky, huh? It sounds okay. There's a problem, though; in a partnership, both parties are expected to give a fair amount and get their fair share back. If either party fails to deliver, the partnership can be dissolved. That doesn't sound like God's definition of marriage to me. Marriage is a commitment - for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. The other party may not be giving what you think you should get, but that doesn't give you the right to just walk away.

Getting Past the Buzz

The state of marriage in current culture isn't anything to brag about, so it's safe to say that our culture doesn't really know what it's talking about when it comes to men, women, love, and marriage. We're pretty good at technology, profit margins, and mass-produced food, but we aren't so good at commitment, integrity, true fidelity.

God is. God knows what He is talking about. He designed man and woman and He certainly knows how they best work together, in every aspect. We need to listen to Him more and to our culture less. And that's tough to do, because we constantly find the cultural messages infiltrating even the safe places of church and home.

The only way to combat the culture-speak is to spend time getting the real story.

5-Minute Marriage Check

How much culture-speak are you hearing on a daily basis? Think about these sources and how often they are part of your life:

1. The television (movies, shows).

2. The Internet (ouch).

3. Magazines.

4. Phone chats (a favorite for trading culturisms back and forth).

5. Novels (yes, even Christian ones).

6. Music (listen to the lyrics).

7. Self-help books, courses, advice.

8. Family members (good intentions, but not always good advice).

9. Advertising in any form.

10. Radio, talk shows.

No, you can't tune out the world and it's futile to try. But you can be aware of the source. Quit accepting everything you hear without thinking about it. Start asking questions: What are they really saying? What does that really mean? Is that true? What does God say? How do I want to live?

5-Minute Action Point

There are several ways to start getting the real story.

1. Daily time in the Word – the original, the best!

2. Memorize and meditate on Scripture.

3. Listen to worship music, classical music, instrumental music: music that allows you to enjoy and listen without telling you what to think.

4. Teaching on the Bible – church, Bible studies, there are sources everywhere.

5. Read the works of Christians past and present – get a feel for the timelessness of truth.

Any one of those points above, coupled with a time to pray, will do much to weed out the culture-speak and make you more sensitive to what God says. And the more you hear from God, the better you will be at discerning what else you hear.

Spend more time hearing from God, less time hearing from the culture.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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Lie #2: He needs me to tell him what to do.

Control and Why We Want to Have It

There's a truth we know about people from experience: they are stupid. They mess up. They let us down. They don't get it. They lie, they disappoint, they break hearts, they say hurtful things, they put themselves first. We see ourselves as the victims (and sometimes we are). They're stupid, and we have to deal with the consequences. They mess up, and we pick up the mess. They disappoint, and we get blindsided. They break our hearts.

So we find a way to deal with it. We decide, consciously or not, that the only way toavoid being the victim again is to be the one in control. We step in and take over. We start directing people; first the people closest to us, who can hurt us most, and then, eventually, everyone within reach. The habit of control never stops extending.

Control and Why It Doesn't Work

We bump into reality again. There's another truth about people: they don't like to be controlled. They resist our authority, those subversive rascals, and we keep raising the stakes, changing our methods, getting louder. We're also getting more stressed out and overwhelmed, but we try not to admit that. Admitting that would be admitting that having control is more trouble than it's worth, and that would get us right back to where we don't want to be: vulnerable, helpless, a victim in waiting.

The Truth About Victimization

The truth is that controlling other people has nothing to do with whether or not you become a victim. Control itself turns you into a victim, locking you into a stressed-out, overwhelmed, worry-filled, fear-driven, critical version of your true self. That's not who you really want to be, is it? It's no fun. Nobody else likes being around that version of you. In striving to protect yourself, you drive people away. You end up victimizing yourself and destroying all your relationships in the process.

Where Does This Leave You?

What happens when you really let go of control? When you decide to quit being a victim?

You find out that you're free to be happy.

5-Minute Marriage Check

Recognize the burden that control is on your own shoulders. Setting yourself up as the only one capable of making a decision, running the house, handling the finances, choosing the restaurant, making the phone call, anticipating the future, and solving the problems isn't a good idea. You simply burn out. You aren't mean to be everything to everyone.

Recognize the real consequences. What happens if you step out of the picture for an hour or so? Does the house explode? Your children self-destruct? Your husband pull out his hair and say, "Oh dear God, how can I go on?" No. The house may be a mess. The children might get dirty. Your husband might get mad. But everyone will still be alive. Your presence, and all of the control you think it implies, may not be as pertinent as you think.

Let your ego deflate. Can you handle it? Before you can really be free to be happy, you have to realize that you may not be as important as you think you are. This doesn't mean you aren't valuable. You are valuable. You just don't always have to be the one in charge. Let yourself be free to be unimportant. Let yourself follow sometimes, instead of lead. Let yourself listen instead of instruct. Let yourself not know the answer.

5-Minute Action Point

God wants you to be free from the burden of control. He did not create you to fix everything, perfect all that is imperfect, or know the answers to all of life's problems. He gave you special gifts and a particular purpose, but the spirit of control smothers the real you.

Set aside a time to talk with God about how control has controlled you.

Make a list: 5 things that you will no longer try to control (fix, improve, deal with, check on, take care of, help with, get involved in, or other synonyms for control).

Now what's one thing you've been wanting to do that you haven't had time for? Go get a novel, a magazine, your scrap-booking stuff, a new journal, make a coffee-date with a friend, put on your walking shoes: find something that is you, and spend your free time – the time you're not trying to control stuff that isn't you – on it.

Have fun! Be free.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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Friction isn't always a bad thing.

Two Kinds of Family Time

I grew up in a home of intense family time. Quality time together was what we loved; it was important, a key part of our family identity.

We had dinner together, went shopping together, watched movies together, ate out together. Sure, we had our own lives and activities and relationships, but the times of being together remained a hallmark of our family from the time I was little to the day I got married and moved out.

It was a great way to grow up.

My husband grew up spending a lot of time with his family, too. His parents owned a business and the whole family spent their days there. My husband and his siblings did their school and played in the back room; when they got a little older, they worked in the business.

Since they spent every day together, their nights at home were mainly spent in separate endeavors, taking care of the things they wanted to do before the next day of work. They developed their close relationships in their business together.

It was a great way to grow up, too.

When Worlds Collide

You can imagine what happened as we settled into being married. I started working with Joe at the family business, too, a few days a week, which I enjoyed. Until we got home and I wanted to sit down and have "family time" and Joe was off tackling a project, thinking we'd been having family time all day long.

The Beautiful Differences

The LORD looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men; From His dwelling place He looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, He who fashions the hearts of them all, He who understands all their works.

Psalm 33:13

God is not surprised at the things that make you and your husband different. You may be surprised, shocked, horrified; but God just smiles and waits for you to get it.

The friction created by our differences is part of God's design. God brings us together to strengthen each other, to balance each other; we are "iron sharpening iron," and if we let it, the friction in marriage will turn us into people more reflective of our God.

What we need to handle the friction without freaking out is the all-important element of really good oil. My husband, the fix-it guy, has taught me a lot: metal on metal without oil results in engines blowing up and pesky problems like that. But when there's oil, the metal can do its job and connect without overheating, grinding, and breaking.

When we experience friction in our marriage, we need the oil of God's love. The oil of joy. The oil of trust. Without that, we just get really overheated.

How to Get the Oil

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil.

Proverbs 3:5-7

In those early days of marriage, my own understanding said, "We need family time if we're going to be a strong family so I better make this happen." Guess what happened? Not quality time together, that's for sure.

Every time we hit that point of friction, I leaned on my own understanding; I whined, manipulated, and demanded to get my way. My behavior caused Joe to resent me and draw away (who wants to hang out with a whiner?), and that created over-sensitivity and offense in my own heart over the matter.

I finally got so hurt and frustrated that I gave up. "Okay, Lord, fine. If you want us to have time together, it's up to you. I'm done." And God said, "Good; that's what I've been waiting for."

I had to ignore my own understanding and trust in the Lord; as soon as I did, the urgency and offense melted away. As I quit being wise in my own eyes, I was able to see that my preferences were just that: preferences. And as I acknowledged God's leadership through my husband, I found a myriad of easy, simple, wonderful ways to spend quality time with my husband in a way that worked for us.

Let's Recap

1. Our natural differences result in friction.

2. Friction is a good thing, a tool God uses to make us more like Him.

3. When we try to "fix" friction on our own, we end up overheated.

4. When we lean on our own understanding, we make the friction worse.

5. When we are wise in our own eyes, we make the friction worse.

6. When we trust in the Lord, we get the oil of His joy and peace poured on the friction. Things smooth out. The sharpening happens but the friction is reduced.

5-Minute Marriage Check

How are you and your husband different? Let us count the ways.

• Gender differences

He's a boy, you're a girl, and forever and always there will be times when you simply look at each other and shake your heads in mutual puzzlement.

• Personality differences

You may be outgoing, he may be introverted, or vice versa. One of you is detailed; the other is a big-picture person. The differences make you a powerful team, but they also make you wonder what is wrong with each other. The answer? Nothing is wrong. Learn as much as you can about your husband's personality and it will help you understand him and accept him and see how he is the perfect match for your personality.

• Communication differences

People communicate love in different ways. You may, like me, want to spend quality time together as a way of expressing love; meanwhile, your husband might be fixing the dishwasher as a way to communicate love. If you figure out how your husband expresses love, you'll be able to receive that love from him without feeling slighted (and you can also be sure to show your love in his language). And if you can identify the way you express love, you can help him understand what means the most to you.

• Family history differences

The way we grew up is a huge influence on what we expect our own marriages and families to look like. My husband and I had very similar upbringings, and we agree on most major issues, but we find ourselves at odds on little things, the practical daily parts of family life. Those little things can become big conflicts unless you can step back, see where your preferences come from, and agree together on what works for your family now. Learn from your past, but don't be codependent on it!

5-Minute Action Point

Pick one of the following and start a little study on your husband (do all three if you want):

1. Learn about his personality (and your own). A few great resources include

• An Overview of Personality Types and help with Discovering Your Personality.
• A description of personalities based on Gary Smalley's "animal personalities" breakdown, plus a "personality inventory" quiz to determine which animal you are. This is one of my favorite ways to learn about personality. Great for kids, too.
• A great book about personalities is Florence Littauer's Personality Plus. Fun to read, easy to understand.

2. Learn about your and your husband's love languages. This is a great thing for couples to know about each other and can make life a lot easier! Read the information, take the quiz, and ask your husband to take the quiz too. It's fun.

• You can take a quick quiz or a create a personal profile based on Dr. Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. You can also read a brief overview of the five love languages.
  

3. Learn about your husband's spiritual gifts. Learn about your own too. These gifts tie into our personalities, but they also help explain our passions and dreams. Here are some great places to get started:

• A Spiritual Gifts Test from Ministry Tools Resource Center
• A more in-depth look from GregWeins.com includes a Spiritual Gifts Assessment and Definitions of the Spiritual Gifts.
  

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

---------------------------

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I'll Get You, My Pretty!

What's so hard about taking what you get and liking it? Everything. Nobody is perfect, we know that; problem is, we like perfect, crave it, want it, wish it were reality. We've hit the conclusion that we're not reaching perfection ourselves, so we might as well start working on somebody else. Somebody else like our husbands. Maybe we'll have more success with them.

Yeah, right.

Solving Other People's Problems

We try to fix others as a means of avoiding the changes we need to make in ourselves. Not that we don't know we need to change; just that we prefer not to deal with it. Instead we find another victim and focus on his faults instead. It's so much more fun.

This habit, however, leaves us with absolutely no progress made. We can't control other people, not even with all our amazing manipulation skills. But we spend so much energy trying that we have no will or desire left to work on ourselves. So everything stays the same, except that it gets worse.

The Opposite of Acceptance

But we still try, don't we? And the whole time, we keep waving the perfection flag at ourselves as well. That way we can resent our husband's faults and imperfections while we simultaneously deal with the continual guilt and self-imposed pressure of never living up to our own expectations. Our mental catalogs fill with pages full of criticism, disapproval, worry, and fear.

How is any marriage going to survive this?

How To Start Accepting

It's time to clean house and get a few things in order inwardly. Here's your straight-up, tell-it-like-it-is (read: this is going to hurt) guide to becoming a wife who accepts and enjoys her husband.

• Realize that you can change yourself and yourself only. What you don't like about yourself can be transformed, or you can learn to accept what is unchangeable about you. This is possible. You are the only person you are in charge of changing.
• Realize that we're all standing on level ground. Yeah, I know you've been marching to the Equality Tune for a while now, but you haven't really understood what it means. Equality means, yes, that no one else is inherently better than you; it also means you are not inherently better than anyone else. Not even your spouse.

• Realize that we're working with a world of imperfection and preference. Imperfection means that you will never, ever find someone who does what you want, when you want, as you want, all the time. (Would that really be perfection, anyway?) Preference means that a lot of stuff - stuff you like to fight over - really isn't a matter of right or wrong. It's a matter of opinion, priority, taste, timing, preference. The universe will not shift on its axis one way or the other.

• Realize that sometimes you have to pretend you don't have any rights. Oooh. You don't like that one, do you? The problem with rights, though, is that everybody has 'em. That means that at some point, your right to do what you want and his right to do what he wants will be in, er, what do we call that? Conflict. Big, bad, ugly conflict that only ends when somebody wins and somebody else loses, on the terms that the winner's rights matter and the loser's do not. You can choose to either fight it out until you win, or give up, feel like a loser, and resent it. Those were your only choices in the past.

• Realize that you have another option; you can choose to willingly lay down your rights and treat your husband as more important. You can do that without being threatened now, because you know we're all on level ground. And you can let him have his preference over yours (even if his is stupid) because you know the universe will keep on going anyway.

What Acceptance Looks Like

Once you've made some inward adjustments, you can start changing your outward habits. It's difficult to change what might have become second nature, but you can do it. Heck, honey, if you can spend years of your life in a futile but never-ending attempt to control and change other people, you can drop a few bad habits.

It's great to be able to smile and accept who a person is (even yourself) without a nagging need to fix. It creates room in your mind for interesting ideas, and space in your life for goals you want to reach, and energy in your being to go after them.

5-Minute Marriage Check

None of this acceptance stuff sounds fun, but you're going to have to try it (more than once) and see.

There's something that you learn if you stick to this accepting long enough: it's nice to let it go. It's nice to be free. It's nice to be free from controlling, criticizing, worrying, and instructing. It's nice to just roll with whatever happens.

Acceptance is the key to a truly liberated, joy-filled life.

What is difficult for you to accept in your husband? List ten quirks, habits, behaviors, failures, etc. that you find yourself resenting or trying to change.

Ask yourself this question: if your husband doesn't change any of the things on that list, would you still love him? So start today. Choose to accept your husband as he is – with all those ten irritating things in place – and love him anyway.

Quit trying to fix him so you can love him more and just love him more anyway.

5-Minute Action Point

Sometimes acceptance is the most difficult thing you've ever done. These four steps are the key to keeping yourself on track.

Identify Your Job

Know what you need to take care of and what you need to leave alone. Ask yourself, “Is this my job? Am I responsible for this?” Make a list. Think about it. Ask your husband, if you're not sure.

Get Busy

Do your job and leave the rest alone. I'm not saying you can't help out; you can. But while you're all new and fresh at this acceptance thing, or whenever it is a struggle, it's going to be hard to help without taking over. So back off. Take up knitting. Read a novel. Put together a scrapbook. Do your nails. Take a nap.

Quiet Down

Don't instruct. Don't complain. Don't nag. Don't critique. Don't whine. Don't mention it, whatever it is. Smile and shut up, sister. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. Pretty soon you'll be enjoying the beautiful, blessed quiet that you have created. You'll have a secret little smile on your face. No one will know why but you. Enjoy.

Let It Go

When you feel your shoulders starting to tense up, your teeth starting to grind, your eye starting to twitch, take a step away. Whatever is happening may not be what you want; that's okay. It may not be ideal; that's okay. It may be stupid; that's okay. It may be painful; that's okay. It may be the stupidest, most painful, least ideal thing-that-you-do-not-want ever; that's okay. Take a deep breath, release, and let it go.

Enjoy the beautiful, blessed quiet in your own spirit. It's a nice change, isn't it?

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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Always assume that your husband has the best possible motives.

Let's Break That Down

Most of the time, conflict in marriage is a matter of two people who love each other assuming that they really don't love each other.

In our case, we women jump to conclusions about what our husband is trying to do. We analyze his remarks, his timing, his clothing choices, his decisions, his forgetfulness, his every little move. And we tend to assume the worst. Here's an example.

Scenario 1: How Rude

It starts with a simple thing, usually some sort of unmet expectation or careless word. Husband makes joke about wife's earlobes, he thinks it is funny, wife thinks it is rude, wife gets feelings hurt...

Wife thinks: I can't believe he said that! How juvenile! He is so rude and insensitive! He must know how I feel about jokes like that! He knows I'm sensitive about my ear lobes. I can't believe he would say that! He's just trying to hurt my feelings. He is being so mean!

Husband thinks: Wow, I guess she didn't like my joke. Wonder what's for dinner?

Wife thinks: And now he's IGNORING the fact that my feelings are hurt! How could he? Why can't we just talk about this like normal people? Is he even going to apologize? What is trying to do, make me cry?

Husband thinks: Uh-oh, she looks really upset. I guess it's that joke, because I can't think of anything else... Wonder why that made her mad? I wonder if I should apologize now or just let her settle down for a minute. I don't want to make her cry and ruin our night with a big scene. It was just a little joke! It didn't mean anything! I was just trying to make her laugh after a long day! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT DID I MISS?

Wife thinks: And after the day I've had, which he knows all about, I can't believe he would make a stupid, mean, rude, awful joke like that just to tick me off and then just let me sit here, all alone, and he must know how hurt I am and he's just totally ignoring it, he doesn't even care, he probably doesn't even want to be here, he probably said that just to get back at me because I told him I wanted to have some family time tonight and instead of having a pleasant conversation he has to come in here with that stupid remark and ruin everything and now he's just sitting there. Why did I even bother making dinner?

Husband thinks: Wow, I was really looking forward to a quiet night at home, just us and the kids, a little dinner and a movie, relaxing... not this. Looks like it's going to be a big one. Guess I better go apologize now, because I think the damage is already done and there ain't no undoing. Oh God, please don't let her cry, don't let her start crying...

It could have been oh, so different.

Love believes the best. One of two things will happen when you start believing the best: 1) you'll be right, and you'll avoid a conflict over something that wasn't there anyway by seeing what really is there or 2) you'll be wrong, your husband really did have stinky motives, but by believing the best about him and acting accordingly, you'll make him want to be better without creating conflict over it.

When we know the person we love believes the best about us, we start wanting to live up to it. Conversely, when we know that they expect the worst from us, we tend to let ourselves slide lower and lower. Start believing the best about your husband, and you'll start getting it.

Scenario 2: How Funny

Husband makes joke about wife's earlobes, husband thinks it is funny, wife thinks it is rude, wife is about to get feelings hurt when...

Wife thinks: I can't believe he said that! How juvenile! He is so rude and insensitive.... oh wait. No, he's not. He's never rude on purpose. He loves me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings. He knows I had a long day, I'm worn out, and the kids were misbehaving. He must have made that joke just to try to cheer me up. He probably forgot that I'm actually really sensitive about my ear lobes. I can remind him. No big deal. And it was a pretty funny joke, after all.

Wife says: Honey, you're so funny. Thanks for cheering me up. By the way, I think your joke is funny, but I am really kind of sensitive about...

Husband interrupts: Your earlobes? Oh my goodness, I forgot, you're right, I'm so sorry! I was just trying to help you forget about your stressful day. I'm so sorry, baby. I love your cute little earlobes...

Fade out.

Better, don't you think?

5-Minute Marriage Check

If you have a tendency to believe the worst about your husband, it often comes from an even deeper tendency to believe the worst about yourself.

You think, "He doesn't really love me"; you mean, "I don't really think I'm worth loving."

You think, "He doesn't even like me"; you mean, "I can't figure out what there is to like about me."

You think, "He doesn't want to spend time with me"; you mean, "I feel like such a drag."

You think, "He is so insensitive"; you mean, "I'm way too sensitive but I don't know how to stop."

Find a time and space to be alone for five minutes (lock yourself in the car!) and read these statements out loud.

1. I am a child of God and I have been made worthy of His love.

2. I am a child of God and He likes me enough to count the hairs on my head.

3. I am a child of God and He died just to spend time, all of time, with me.

4. I am a child of God and He is sensitive enough to capture my every tear in a bottle.

5. I am a child of God and He believes the best about me.

Did you catch that?

God believes the best about you.

5-Minute Action Point

Memorize this verse:

“This is my beloved, and this is my friend.”

{Song of Solomon 5:16}

Walk around today with that verse in your heart for your husband. Say it when you look at his photo, talk to him on the phone, fold his laundry, make his dinner, train his children. Say it every time you think about him.

You are reminding yourself of your husband's true heart for you: he is your beloved, and you are his beloved. He is your friend, and you are his friend.

This is the truth of marriage that we often forget. If you will remember, you will automatically begin to assume the best motives in your husband: the motives of a true beloved and a best friend.

I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine.

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This post is part of the Build a Better Marriage Challenge running February 2010.

It's a 30-day challenge to be deliberate about building a better marriage. We'll talk about some of the common obstacles to a better marriage (marriage killers) and some of the important habits for a successful marriage (marriage keys). We'll also work through some of the misconceptions that affect our marriage, faulty thinking we've picked up from our culture, our pasts, and maybe even from the church. Each day's reading will end with a 5-minute marrige check and a 5-minute action point, so you can take it on home.

Join in via the Mr Linky on the challenge page. You can also just read along, but remember that all challenge participants will receive a free copy of the ebook at the end of the challenge.

Here's to better, stronger, happier marriages!

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